What If?
by FantasticallyFanatical
Summary: A collection of unrelated, hypothetical St. Berry one-shots. What if Jesse and Rachel were a mighty number of  unexpected  things?
1. Rachel and Jesse were spies

_A/N: This is an odd concept but it kind of suits where I am right now because I keep having all these little, unlinked ideas for St. Berry stories, but they don't fit into my multi-chaptered stories. So I came up with this 'What if' idea. It's basically going to be a bunch of hypothetical one-shots that are all unrelated (apart from the fact they contain St. Berry.) Some are totally unrealistic – hence the 'what if' title – others are simply little ideas that are not developed enough to be a stand alone. This one takes part after the episodes on the show but apart from that, there's no real time aspect. It first came into play after seeing Inception, and it'll become pretty obvious during the story which bit I was influenced by! But I hope this little one shot is okay and as always, read, review and enjoy!_

What if Jesse and Rachel were spies?

"I vote Rachel," Kurt announces quickly before turning to the rest of the group, who greet him with choruses of agreement. Kurt shrugs to Rachel and takes a seat, delicately crossing one leg over the other.

"Listen, I really think we should think about this with a bit more logic – "

"Berry, it's unanimous; you're going." Santana ends the conversation, frankly because she's bored of it already.

"Unanimous is next to Pluto, right?"

"That would be Uranus, Brittany." Kurt places a dramatic hand to his head and rolls his eyes. "And it's next to Neptune, not Pluto." Rachel stands with her hands precariously on her hips and her eyes narrowed in aggravation.

"Just so you all know, I don't appreciate you all ganging up on me. This totally goes against all of my morals." Quinn rolls her eyes, a subdued smile playing on her lips – she doesn't think she'll ever get bored of Rachel's drama.

"You're the only one they won't suspect as being a spy."

"Yeah, they'll think you're some lost tourist or something." Santana adds (unnecessarily) and Quinn can't help but emit the softest laugh under her breath. Rachel broods on the spot until Mr Schue walks in and the conversation falls short until the end of practice.

"Get going, Rachel." Kurt whispers as he gives Rachel a prod out McKinley's doors. "And for goodness sake don't get caught."

She narrows her eyes at Kurt but before she can manifest a meticulous reply, the rest of New Directions scatter and Rachel's left to go to Carmel High alone.

That is until she spots someone crouching down beside her, once she's settled at the back of Vocal Adrenaline's rehearsal.

"What are you doing here?" She hisses a sharp whisper in his direction and he sees no point in lying.

"Shelby sent me to get the low down on the new VA." So it seemed Shelby wasn't as ready to give it all up as she'd thought. Or Jesse was stalking her. Both were viable options, Rachel mused.

"And you just jumped on a plane and flew back for that?"

"It was my mother's birthday yesterday," he informs her, each letter forming bitter words upon his tongue. "Apparently it's a necessity to be present for such momentous occasions, even if she struggles to remember mine."

He laughs hollowly and it's a little too loud. Rachel covers his mouth with her hand as a few members on the stage begin to stare up in their direction. She's getting flustered because she really doesn't like all this spying and she's sure they're about to be found out. And as if matters couldn't get any worse, she's hiding behind rows of seats with Jesse St. James, of all people. And he's about to remind her just who he is (because no one shuts him up and gets away with it.) So he takes his time, selects the most opportune moment and just as she peers over the top of the seat to ensure they've not been discovered, he leisurely takes his tongue up the palm of her hand, relishing the faint taste of lemon bursting his every taste bud. She instantly squeals and yanks her hand away from his face, wiping it frantically on the back of the seat in front of her. He merely arches an eyebrow – _Did you really think you could silence Jesse St. James?_ – and she's desperate to wipe that smug smile off his perfectly groomed face. But her plans to bring him down are quickly thwarted as the music from the stage is turned off and given that last time she came into contact with Vocal Adrenaline Rachel was pounded with eggs, she's less than willing to go and greet them again. And it seems Jesse isn't too kind on the idea either and promptly makes for the exit, leaving Rachel trailing behind him, following him like he always knew she would. He's come to the conclusion that it's his hair; it does things to women he still can't yet understand (but he flaunts it at every given occasion, naturally.) And of course, now is no different as the two stand in the car park, so very breathless and red in the face, and just as she looks up to tell him exactly what she thinks of his little stunt back there, he runs a slow hand through his hair and suddenly her thoughts seem to jar – just for a second – before she quickly remembers what she was about to say. It's a gift he wouldn't ever wish to relinquish and though Rachel's quicker to recover than most girls, not quick enough to stop him getting the first word in.

"Did you have to squeal so loudly?" He's putting on an air of mock exasperation but Rachel's too close to boiling point to care whether it's faked or not.

"Let's just take time to focus on the _important_ features of your little stunt back there. You licked my hand, my actual hand Jesse." Rachel waves said hand – with all fingers stretched out widely – in his face but he merely pushes it out the way.

"You were suffocating me."

"I was _not_." Though suffocating Jesse right now doesn't seem like such a bad idea. But before she can act upon such an impulse, hoards of voices start to be heard in the distance. Whatever way they run, they're about to collared by members of Vocal Adrenaline. So Jesse does the only thing he can think of.

"Kiss me, quickly." He gives her no time do anything but respond and her body reacts in a way that gives her away completely. His hands grab her hair and her eyes are tightly squeezed shut, and they must do a convincing job because most of the group walk past, not even acknowledging the pair of them. A few guys notice and dutifully begin cat calling – 'Get in there, my man!" – as they run past. Rachel feels Jesse smirk against her lips and she instantly regains the gravity of the situation and pulls swiftly away.

"I cannot believe that." I cannot believe _you_ is what she's really thinking. She's staring at him with such an incredulous look he just has to play along and peers over the back of his shoulder as if he's searching for who she's talking to.

"No, neither can I. Not _one_ of them even recognised me." He's a little put out and Rachel's the smug one now because Jesse's ego has totally been deflated by it.

"Hurts, doesn't it? To have people you care about toss you aside like you're nothing." She doesn't look at his eyes because her eyes are very much the doorways to her soul and she's bared enough of that to him already. And he knows (of course he knows) that she's talking about him but she's not brave enough to say it. And he doesn't really blame her.

"You will never be nothing, Rachel." He ties to talk to her softly, tell her that she's worth ten of him (and more) but things like that don't work with Jesse. Not anymore.

"_I_ know that. It's just a shame you didn't." And with that she takes off home, not with the knowledge of Vocal Adrenaline that she came for, but with something fairly more substantial. But not before Jesse can say his piece – he's been waiting for months to tell her – and now he's got the chance, he's going to make her listen if it's the last thing he does.

"I'm not going to beg you to forgive me – "

"Good," she retorts, "Because I'm not going to." She's defiant and determined and he notices just a little bit of boldness in her that he's never seen before.

"But it's pretty clear you've missed me." He simply can't help himself. It's an automatic personality trait of his, his defence mechanism that always comes into play. She finally stops and turns to face him because such an accusation is so far off the mark, she has to challenge it. She raises an eyebrow that says _'Oh, really'_ but he just smirks in return.

"You kissed me," he tells her simply and he can tell from the way she keeps folding her arms tighter and tighter across her chest that she still finds him infuriating.

"I think you'll find you kissed me," she retorts because there's no way she'd voluntarily kiss Jesse. Or so she tells herself.

"That's irrelevant," he shrugs because he really doesn't think it matters who initiated it. The fact is, she responded whether she wanted to or not and that tells him all he needs to know. She scoffs and begins walking away from him again and she finds that it's so much easier now (though she can't help herself from glancing over her shoulder once or twice.) And of course he's following her, simply because he has nothing better to do.

"Jesse." She sighs his name and he grins because he's sure he's the only one who makes her this aggravated. And whilst he's not sure why he takes pride in this fact, it still makes him follow her all the more. "Go home."

He doesn't, he follows her all the way back to hers and she half expects him to try and kiss her on the doorstep. But he doesn't, he hovers for a few seconds, then turns on the spot and walks off and somehow, that's more infuriating than if he'd have kissed her. He smirks to himself as he hears her exhale sharply at his actions and as she runs up to her room to watch him walk away, he turns his head to look at her from a good few metres away and she quickly ducks out of his view. He laughs and carries on walking, whilst she feels her phone buzz in her pocket.

_You need to learn to be a better spy, Rachel. But don't worry; I take all forms of payment. _

She doesn't give him the benefit of a reply but nor can she hide the involuntary smile that's growing on her face because he really is unbelievable. He thinks he's so clever (he is) but he's right, she supposes. Her spying on Vocal Adrenaline failed and she's going to go back to New Directions without any new information (apart from the information she's going to keep to herself: Jesse still likes her.) But somehow, knowing that is more than worthwhile.


	2. Jesse saw something strange

_A/N: So I'm updating a little quicker than anticipated but you know, enjoy! It's in no way related to the previous one but it does take place after regionals again. In this one-shot, Rachel and Finn are – Jade clears her throat – together. But not for long (cue evil laughter.) And I know that it's a little bit vague as to why Jesse's around and how he's here and not at UCLA but frankly, I can't make up a plausible excuse and to be honest, that's not what this story is about. He's technically back at UCLA at the close of this, only it's not specified but they're what I like to call minor details. And there's a little throwback to Idina Menzel because she's just amazing. And as always, read, review and enjoy._

What if Jesse saw something strange?

When Jesse spots Finn locking lips with someone who isn't Rachel, he can't hide his glee. And he knows he should feel guilty that Rachel's being cheated on but this is too good an opportunity to miss. He doesn't let Finn know he's seen his shenanigans – what would be the point in that, it would be his word against Finn's and Jesse's not stupid enough to think Rachel would believe him – instead, he clocks the kiss on his phone, smirks and walks out the park, head tucked low and feet shuffling fast.

He's not quite sure what he thinks this will achieve, but given that he massively screwed up with Rachel, he thinks it's only fair that Finn does too. And yes, he's well aware of the fact he's the reason Rachel is still haunted by anything remotely egg-shaped, but he'd never cheat on her. Call him romantic (or maybe just respectful) but he'd never cheat on anyone. So really, it's a blessing he saw what he did: he can get one over on Finn (because Finn needs to know he'll never match up) but more importantly, Rachel can learn – albeit the hard way – that Finn's not the boy she thinks he is. And if Finn's willing to risk everything Rachel has in her arsenal (and that's a lot, Jesse comes to realise each day he's forced to remember why she's next to Finn and not him) for a few cheap thrills, then Jesse's certain Finn deserves everything he has coming to him.

So of course he wastes no time in finding Rachel and telling her his good news. Though of course, she doesn't take it half as well as he did (nor does she take his unannounced appearance well either. But he wouldn't be Jesse St. James if he let that deter him.)

"Frankly Jesse, your childish antics are tiring me. And whilst once upon a time I would have been enchanted by you and your _epic_ romance, you fail to do so now." He doesn't take the dig lightly and his plan to offer his apologies for Finn's actions quickly turns sour.

"Because that's what Hudson gives you?" He knows full well it's not – Finn just doesn't have the capability for epic.

"What Finn and I are is none of your business," she tells him with such authority he wonders if too much has happened. But then he realises there's no such thing as too much. "You gave up the right to know anything a long time ago, Jesse."

"I may have lost the right Rachel, but at least I earned it to start with. Finn is no good for you." He wants to see what she makes of that and he's pleased to see she falters, just a little.

"He may not be everything you were Jesse, but he's talented, he's honest –"

"Yeah, sure he is." He mocks her because he feels it's only right he informs her and though he knows she'll accuse him of lying, of being jealous, at least he'll have tried.

"Jesse," she sighs because she really can't be dealing with this – with him – right now.

"He's cheating on you, Rachel." He waits to see he respond but she's quick off the mark, as if she's always been waiting for this accusation to come her way. And like she is for everything, she's already fully prepared.

"Finn wouldn't do that. I know he wouldn't."

"Well, I know otherwise." Rachel scoffs softly at this: of course Jesse would have to know otherwise.

"Jesse, Finn's not like that," she informs him and he can see she really wants to believe that. "He's not – "

He knows she stops herself from saying _you_ and that's what makes him decide to do exactly what he does next.

"Are you sure about that, Rachel?" His voice is softer and he's lulling her into unsafe territory, daring her to question the love she believes is so pure. "How sure?"

"Sure enough." She doesn't owe him an explanation; she doesn't owe him anything.

"Sure enough to bet on it? Because I know for a fact that he's cheating on you Rachel. I have proof. And it pains me to see you being treated this way – "

"I find that hard to believe Jesse; your actions did a good enough job of saying otherwise, if you care to remember."

"So why don't you just ask him?" He carries on regardless of her interruption because that was the past and this is the present and to Jesse, here and now is all that matters. "And if I'm wrong, you're free to be bored to insanity with _Dud_son. But if I'm right – "

And there's the catch. The true reason why Rachel will never be with Jesse. Because he always wants more, always strives for the next branch, the next level. Whereas Finn, soft, gentle Finn, never does. But maybe that's why – maybe he is cheating on her because Rachel has morals and principles and standards and she won't let them slip, not for anyone. But she shakes that idea; her and Finn are _strong _and faithful and very much exclusive. And she's determined to make Jesse see that.

"The fact that you would even suggest making my relationship into a wager just cements the fact that you'll never be half the man Finn is."

"Too scared to place your bet, Berry? Because deep down, you and I both know I'm telling the truth."

"Go home, Jesse." She turns on her heels and walks away from him but he knows the seed of doubt is very much planted in her head. And if he knows Rachel (which he does, though perhaps not as well as he'd like to) he's almost certain she's already toying with the idea of asking Finn straight out, because she suffers enough humiliation each and every day without being cheated on as well. But then her faith in Finn shines through and she has to believe that Finn would never do something as callous and heartless as that, because Jesse already saw to shattering her ideas of romance and soul mates, so she settled for Finn to reinstate her belief in love and companionship. And Rachel doesn't think she can lose that too.

But it's not long (3 days) before she succumbs to her curiosity and as they sit in a field not far from her house, with a patchwork blanket and homemade lemonade, she asks Finn everything she's ever dreaded asking.

"Finn?" She smiles at him and hopes to goodness that Jesse's not right (and not because of the bet, the same bet she didn't actually agree to.)

"Have I done something wrong?" He looks puzzled and nervous and scratches his eyebrow awkwardly. He's come to learn that a smile such as the one she's wearing know usually means he's done something wrong. Rachel smoothes the eyebrow down and the gaze in her eyes is so intent, Finn forces himself to look down at the blanket because he knows that otherwise, he'll give himself away.

"Are you cheating on me?" She bites the bullet and just asks because the pain's not going to be any less the longer she leaves it. He deliberates just a second too long and the answer is already confirmed. She lets her hands drop in her lap and she nods her head gently, ignoring her eye's desires to spill the entire ocean down her perfectly made up face. An awkward silence follows and Finn, on his behalf, looks terribly guilty. But they both know it's not enough.

"I know I'm far from being perfect Finn, but I don't think I deserve this." She manages to keep her composure as she collects her things and leaves him sat there, a bemused look on his face. He wants to explain, tell her that he really does like her and he's only doing it because he doesn't want to push to do things she's clearly not ready to do. But even in his head it sounds stupid so he doesn't even call after her; he doesn't even fight to save them.

Nettles and thorns bite at her bare ankles as she runs through the field and she finds herself crying silently because relationships _hurt_. And somehow, she's always on the sorest end and she contemplates living alone for the entirety of her life because other people always let you down. But she doesn't want to be that person; she doesn't want to be old and lonely and too scared to love.

And so she finds herself typing out a message to the boy who broke her heart in the first place, but it turns out she doesn't even need to send it because he's sat on her front wall, a bag of chips in his lap. He offers Rachel one but she doesn't even notice and in turn Jesse tries not to notice the redness in her eyes.

"Well, you were right." She tries to laugh it off and Jesse's not sure why she's trying to pretend it doesn't hurt. He just hopes that Finn has discovered just how painful it is to lose Rachel, because Jesse's felt it and it's not pleasant. He wants to tell her he didn't want to be right about this, but he can't lie to her anymore. "How did you find out?"

"I saw him," Jesse shrugs simply, depositing the chips on the wall and walking closer to Rachel as she hovers outside her front door. "I don't think he even knows the word discreet exists."

If he thinks mocking Finn will make Rachel feel better, Jesse obviously has (many) things to learn.

"You're hardly in a position to talk, Jesse." Rachel's reminder still cuts him deeply.

"But what I did will never be as bad as what Finn's done." He has to show her he has a heart, because she's the only one who's ever made it melt.

"Well, I'm glad you think the fragility of my heart is a competition, Jesse." And in her mind, they're both as bad as each other. "Why are you here anyway? Come to gloat about how right you were?"

"No, Rachel I –"

"Just leave it, Jesse." It's been a long (and emotional) day, and all she wants is to go inside and cry herself to sleep. Her voice is almost breaking and it takes a large dose of inner strength for her not to burst into tears there and then. She quickly rummages for her key and shuts the front door behind her and Jesse takes a seat on her doorstep, hoping she's seated, or at least close, on the other side.

"If it's any consolation, she's not a patch on you." He talks more to himself than Rachel, mainly because he's not sure she's even there to listen (she is.) And that's the thing: no one ever is, not anymore. Every other girl he sees, he meets, he dates, none of them are her. "I know I lost you and now Finn's lost you but if you ever want finding.." He trails off, scoffing and chuckling at himself because the picture of him sat on a girls doorstep is terribly tragic and unromantic (not to mention desperate.) So instead, he takes out a scrap piece of paper and scrawls the words CALL ME in capitals over it. He posts it through her letterbox and then leaves her to her thoughts.

She doesn't call him (not for 3 weeks anyway) and when she does, it's for his opinion on the new cast of Rent (the guy who plays Angel is not a patch on _any_ of his predecessors but Collins, Mark and Joanne have potential. She differs; Maureen is trying too hard to be Menzel but the man playing Roger is talented.)

And though it's not quite what he wants to hear, it's a start and he's prepared to settle because it's something. And something is definitely better than nothing.


	3. Jesse was in jail

_A/N: Firstly, thanks for all the reviews and alerts – they're great and really appreciated. Secondly, enjoy the update – I'm actually really enjoying these one-shots so expect a few more (although perhaps not tomorrow – it's results day for me and I'm scared. Super scared.) Anyway back on topic, this is completely hypothetical and would probably never happen and is, in an oddly twisted way, my attempt at cute. But as you'll see, I kind of failed big style. But I hope it's still readable and enjoyable and yeah, let me know what you think. Oh, and if you have any suggestions about what Rachel and Jesse could do, drop 'em in. It's not a promise I'll do them, but it's always good to have a little inspo to strive off of (and I'll totally give you credit for it.) _

What if Jesse was in jail?

When her phone rings at quarter to two in the morning, Rachel's not particularly impressed. And when she answers it and it's the police, her feeling quickly changes from worry to confusion and she goes from weary to awake within minutes.

"Am I speaking to Rachel Berry?"

"You are." Her eyes are tightly shut and her fingers are crossed so tightly in the hope that this is not the conversation every child dreads. Her fathers were spending the weekend with a few friends and suddenly the possibility that something could have happened to them became ever so real.

"Are you familiar with a Jesse St. James?" Rachel almost screams with joy when she realises it's Jesse they're ringing about and not her father's. For a moment she's worried something really grave has happened to him instead, but from the annoyance apparent in the policeman's voice, Rachel guesses Jesse is very much alive. And she's got such a good heart; she doesn't even contemplate lying to save herself the hassle that will undoubtedly come with whatever Jesse wants.

"Yes, I am. Why do you ask?" She rubs her eyes because it really is quite late and now the panic over her fathers has dissipated, she's overwhelmed with a need to sleep.

"I'll let him explain." The officer talking sounds thoroughly fed up and Rachel waits as the phone is passed to Jesse, or so she assumes.

"Jesse?" If this is some stupid plot of his, she's going to make him pay (after he's been eaten by a lion, of course.) "Is there a reason you're calling me?"

"No, Rachel, I just wanted to chat." His sarcasm isn't welcomed at the best of times, but at 2.56am Jesse's already wearing Rachel thin. He exhales deeply and Jesse cannot believe he's doing this, but it's this or a night with an unfavourably looking man (and Jesse would rather swallow his pride than anything that man might be offering.) "I'm in jail," he announces bluntly, "And I need you to pay my bail."

The way he says it is like he's talking about something trivial, unimportant. Not that he's in jail.

"You'll have to go to my uncle's house. In the room at the top of the stairs, there should be an envelope in the back of the wardrobe. Just bring that with you."

The phone is taken from him and the policeman verifies, after Rachel checks (and double checks), that this is not a hoax. She takes a cab to his uncles and feels more than a little odd using the key under the doormat (his uncle's in Spain) to enter a house that's not hers. She grabs the envelope and runs back into the taxi, which is already en route to the prison. And Rachel can't believe she's actually going to a police station to bail out her ex-boyfriend, particularly not at this (ungodly) time of the morning. But as he'd told her, there's no one else he could possibly have called.

It takes another half hour for the formalities to be completed but eventually, Jesse's released and as they make their way out the station (which is like a prison itself) Rachel can't help but ask him how on earth he managed to get into jail in the first place.

"You punched someone? Jesse!"

"He was asking for it," Jesse shrugs and he's not entirely sure why Rachel's taking such a moral high ground over this.

"Oh, I can imagine." Her sarcasm almost brings a smile to his face because she's sounding a little bit like – and she'd hate him for this – but a little bit like him. "I somehow doubt anyone would _ask_ to be hit, Jesse."

"You'd be surprised," he mutters and climbs into the taxi she arrived in. She remains on the pavement as he looks at her expectantly to climb in. When she shakes her head curtly (she's not sharing a taxi with _him_) he shrugs again and makes himself comfortable. "Or you could wait a half hour for another one. Got your rape whistle, Rach?"

She gives in because she's starting to hear animalistic noises and as she clambers in a little too eagerly, she almost head butts Jesse on the arm. She settles and the driver takes off, silence filling the taxi. But Jesse knows Rachel too well to know she won't settle for silence forever.

"When you say he was asking for it – " she begins and he finds it slightly odd he knows exactly when she's about to talk because the way she breathes in is different to her usual breathing pattern.

"He said some things he shouldn't have," he quickly interjects and Rachel seems satisfied for the time being. But not for long.

"What did he say?" Jesse can't believe Rachel's asking him about such things when the massive elephant carrying eggs, trophies and heartache in the taxi (who's not the taxi man) needs talking about.

"He said enough," Jesse informs her cryptically because he can't tell her truth, he just can't. He hopes that this is enough to set her mind at rest, but this is Rachel Berry – it's never enough. (But she's decent enough to leave a couple of minutes in between each question.

"And you punched him once?" She's not quite sure why feels obligated to ask him so many questions (when in truth she doesn't know why she's talking to him at all.) When he doesn't answer and instead gazes out the window, she arches an eyebrow. "Twice?"

He winds down the window to let a bit of the midnight air in and now Rachel's really stoked. "Try three times," Jesse says, as if it's passable as nothing.

"Three times?" She's incredulous but it's the way her eyes widen beyond belief that gets Jesse, who feels a smug sort of grin take over his face without warning. "_Jesse_!" she reprimands him, half for the (number of) punches, half for the grinning.

"Sorry, _mother_," he retorts and turns back to the window, but this is playful banter with a girl he likes at gone 3am in the morning and it just feels right. He can see, in the reflection of the window, that she's smiling despite herself, and there's no way either one can deny the chemistry (or the tension.)

She gets dropped off first and there's no lengthy goodbye or heartfelt speech. And it's only next week at school that she even remembers the odd weekend that's just happened.

"Did you hear about Clint?" She hears Finn whisper (not so secretly) to Puck, whose face lights up with an inhuman amount of delight and respect.

"Punk had it coming," Puck replies, "Just wish I could'a seen his face." Finn nods earnestly in agreement and a few others join in too. "Or smashed his face," Puck adds, staring into the distance, imaging some no doubt warped images of his own punching power.

"Yeah, I wonder who did it?" Kurt adds, talking more to himself than the others and Rachel can't help but crane her neck to listen in because she'll bet it was Jesse. And just as she was about to condemn him further, Puck surprises her.

"Man, I thought it was you," Puck turns to Finn, who looks bemused and shrugs.

"Why would it be me?" Finn's not one for catching on quickly.

"He bad mouthed Berry, _big_ style. And you two, like, have history and stuff." Puck hates explaining things to Finn, who's apparently only just realised how appropriate those punches were. And Rachel's realising it the most – Jesse punched another guy because he was bad mouthing her. And though she knows she shouldn't condone violence, she feels oddly touched that Jesse would feel that strongly about her.

So that's why, when she gets home, she quickly texts Jesse (and yes, she still knows his number off by heart.)

_I take it back, 4 or 5 punches would have sufficed._


	4. Rachel saw Jesse practice

_A/N: This is my first ever piece with a song included in it, so I'm not sure how it's going to come across. I hope it's not too bad but you know, feel free to tell me either way ;)_

_And the concept is a little lame, but I think the story is slightly better than the title suggests. I sincerely hope so anyway! And yes, Shelby is in this one and no, I don't know exactly where Beth would be (because this is after the show again) but we'll just imagine she's being babysat. Okay? Okay._

_Also, I don't own the song or the lyrics or Adam Lambert but I do hope you enjoy this :)_

Rachel sees Jesse practice

When she first hears the voice, she swears she's dreaming because it can't be him, it _can't_ be. She strains to try and hear it clearer and something within her changes as she locks on the sound and is powerless not to follow it.

"Oh God, Rachel's gone wacko." Kurt's gesturing to Rachel's face of utter confusion. He sighs; he knew this trip out would be nothing be pure embarrassment. They'd ventured out of town to a dainty, yet well known bar, with ornate furnishings and a not wholly unpleasant smell of stale alcohol. Will has suggested the group take a trip out – one of his friends from high school was performing an intimate gig.

She ventures up the stairs, following the sound of the voice because she has to see if it's really him. She enters from the back of the room and takes a seat on one of the many chairs laid out, as in preparation for a performance. It's dimly lit at the back and she hopes she's slipped in unnoticed (she hasn't, but she remains thinking otherwise.) A figure stands at the top of the room, one hand on a mic stand, the other on his hip as the singing stops.

"Take it from the top," a woman – who Rachel instantly recognises as Shelby – sighs because she really has other things she needs to do. But she's sat in the front row, a notepad on her lap and she nods at the boy on stage to start singing as she begins the accompanying music. Rachel knows she should leave, that she should go back down and join the others but the fact that both Jesse _and _Shelby are here compels her to stay. He takes the hand from his hip and steadies the mic, practicing again as Shelby watches in scrutiny. She's nothing if not a perfectionist (and at last Rachel knows where she's inherited it from.)

"_Hey, slow it down,_" Jesse begins, and Rachel notices the way he taps his foot with the beat because truthfully, when he's up there performing on his own, he's as soulful as anyone else. "_Whataya want from me, whataya want from me?_"

Rachel can't help but marvel at the song choice: it's perfect and heartfelt and surprisingly very Jesse. She watches Shelby flick a pen absently between her thumb and forefinger as Jesse lulls her straight into his performance.

"_Yeah, I'm afraid_," he closes his eyes and Shelby scribbles something down that Rachel can't begin to see from the back of the room. "_Whataya want from me, whataya want from me?_

She knows, from personal experience, that once Jesse's in the zone, it's hard to get him out. And he is, Rachel can't deny it, mesmerising when he performs. His eyes remain lightly shut and every so often he tilts his head as he hits the notes, his fingers lightly rapping up and down the stand.

"_There might have been a time when I would give myself away, oh,"_ Rachel feels a smile surface as he arches back to really feel the word and as she sees Shelby shake her head softly, she can already picture the soft smile Shelby has on her face. "_Once upon a time I didn't give a damn."_

He opens his eyes – "_But now, here we are, so whataya want from me?"_ – and stares somewhere into the middle of the hall, then looks to Shelby. "_Whataya want from me?"_

Rachel knows from knowledge of the song, the chorus is big and Jesse doesn't disappoint. His entire body reverbs with the beat and he soundlessly beats his leg to the floor on each count. It's only now she notices he's not clad completely in black; he has faded blue denim jeans and brown shiny shoes, but the t-shirt remains faithful to its own and is tight, black and fitted.

"_Just don't give up, I'm working it out. Please don't give in, I won't let you down._" He continues with the chorus and Rachel watches how effortlessly he sings each note and she can't begin to think what on earth Shelby could be critiquing him over. Unless she's writing praise (but Rachel doubts that.) He throws his hands off the stand and flings them to the side, baring his body (and soul) to the empty audience. _"Hey, whataya want from me, whataya want from me-e, whataya want from me?"_

The last line sees him bring a hand a little too hard to the middle of his chest and he blinks twice because he actually nearly winds himself. Shelby raises an eyebrow and adds another note, and Rachel can guess what this one is. But as she's busy watching Shelby, she's unaware that Jesse's spotted her sat at the back of the room. It unnerves him that someone's watching (only he doesn't show it – he's a professional) and it unnerves him more that it's _her_. He hasn't seen her, well, since Regionals and it's a shock that she's here. But as he realises what lyrics come up, he discovers they couldn't fit more perfectly to his feelings, and he finds himself concentrating the words directly upon her.

"_Yeah, it's plain to see, that baby you're beautiful," _Rachel lifts her eyes to refocus on Jesse's performance as Shelby stops writing and she's a little taken aback to find he's staring straight at her. It knocks her for six and she runs a nervous hand over her collar bone as Jesse shows no signs of stopping his one-on-one performance. Shelby notices he's focusing far too much on one side of the "audience" but as she gently peers over her shoulder (unbeknown to Rachel, who's too absorbed in Jesse) she suddenly gets it. "_And there's nothing wrong with you."_

She's not sure if Jesse really is just a sensational performer, but Rachel feels like she can sense some truth behind his words and the way he looks at her when he sings makes her feel like she's the only one he's telling them to.

"_It's me,"_ Jesse doesn't take his eyes off her and Rachel glad it's dimly lit because she's bordering a shade of fuchsia the longer he sings. And he looks pained and ashamed as the lyrics tumble easily from his mouth. "_I'm a freak but thanks for loving me, 'cause you're doing it perfectly."_

And though it's true (bar Shelby) that she's the only one in the room, Rachel feels likes she's the only person in the world as he concentrates so hard, singing each word straight into her soul. His lock on her eyes doesn't break the entire time and Rachel swears she can feel his intensity even as far back as she is.

"_There might have been a time when I would let you slip away, I wouldn't even try but I think you could save my life," _And then he stops, he remembers and his gaze is drawn away and he takes a hold of the stand again, glancing down at Shelby who looks more than a little sceptical. And as he breaks into the chorus, he's hitting every note with a distinct feeling of humanity and feeling and that's something Shelby's not used to seeing (because that's not what Vocal Adrenaline was about.) But Jesse was resistant and more than that, he was talented, and that's why when he asks her for help, she'll oblige without a second thought even if it means practising in a dingy room on a Saturday evening.

"_Just don't give up on me_," Jesse sings the words with so much feeling because that's all he wants: for Rachel not to give up on him, although he thinks it's a little late for that now. "_I won't let you down, no I won't let you down."_

And she wants to believe him, believe the sincerity in his voice when he sings (because Rachel also knows, from other past experiences, that Jesse is at his most sincere when he performs because it's the only place he really feels at home.)

And as he comes to the climatic end, Rachel gets chills down her spine because Vocal Adrenaline never really showed him at his full potential (except perhaps in Bohemian Rhapsody, but she tries not to remember that performance because it stills hurts her inside each time she does.)

He hits the last note, breathes out and switches off the mic, resting an arm over the top of it.

"Well?" Rachel wants to creep out unnoticed as Jesse demands Shelby's feedback but she waits, just to see what Shelby will say (and partly just to hear her voice.)

Rachel can hear the (begrudging) smile on Shelby's lips as she talks without even having to see it to know it's there. "You can sing Jesse, we all knew that already. But you gotta work on your audience presentation." Rachel's stomach drops; did Shelby know she was there? Yes, the answer became apparent as she turned her hear slightly and caught Rachel's appearance. "What did you think?" she calls over to Rachel, who longs for the earth to open up and swallow her whole. Nothing she can say will rectify the fact that she's invited herself into their private rehearsal, so eventually she settles on the truth.

"It was good," she informs Shelby slowly and then turns to Jesse. "_You_ were good, really good."

And then she makes a quick escape before either one can protest or ague and quickly slips back into the group of the rest of New Directions. And she swears she sees Jesse come down the stairs and scan the pub floor for her face but she hides behind Puck and Jesse quickly gives up, returning back to Shelby. They still have a lot of rehearsing to do, but Jesse's needing fewer notes each time because each performance he does from now on, he does imagining Rachel's watching.

And sometimes, he thinks that she's the only one he really wants watching.


	5. Rachel felt bad about lying to Finn

_A/N: Okay, so this takes place, like, just after 'The Power of Madonna' and I decided to explore Rachel's feelings about lying to Finn about her and Jesse. It's a little on the short side, but hopefully okay other than that (apart from, perhaps, the lengthy text conversation shared. I could not, for the life of me, write dialogue that felt in character. So texting it was.) But yes, thank you for all the alerts and reviews and all of that stuff, it's vastly appreciated and I'm trying to work on the suggestions I've been given, as well as ones of my own, meaning more updates soon! But for now, read, review and enjoy!_

What if Rachel felt bad about lying to Finn?

_Jesse, I need you to have your wicked way with me_.

He guesses that someone – probably Santana – has stolen Rachel's phone (again.)

_My wicked way? Santana, give Rachel her phone back._

He's a little surprised with the reply.

_Jesse, I'm serious._

So it was Rachel after all. Or an increasingly clever Santana. (No, Jesse doesn't think so either.)

_Rachel, you said 'have your wicked way', that makes you sound about 50._

Her reply shoots through to his phone and two words light up his screen.

_Shut up._

He laughs and makes himself comfortable on his bed. Rachel always entertains him and he's in no doubt that this conversation will be no different.

_So, my wicked way. Why would you ask such a thing?_

The reply takes longer to materialise and Jesse suspects Rachel's decided to give him the fully detailed version, not the brief one. But again, he's surprised.

_Well, after Friday night I may or may not have told Finn that we succumbed to our passions and did the deed. _

Jesse decides he increasingly dislikes Finn.

_And you don't want Finn to know you didn't?_

Jesse doesn't understand – it shouldn't matter what Finn thinks; Rachel is _his_ girlfriend, not Finn's.

_Jesse, I'm about as good at lying as you are at pulling off a believable Angel in Rent. _

This time his reply is the fast one.

_I could pull Angel off perfectly. _

Although maybe not the patterned tights, Jesse muses (but he's still going to prove that he can be a more than adequate Angel. When the time is right, of course.)

_The point, Jesse. I don't like lying to anyone, least of all Finn. And anyway, I thought you'd be happy._

So it's a morality issue, Jesse should have known.

_That I get to have my 'wicked way' with you? Rachel, your first time isn't meant to be part of some game. It's supposed to be romantic._

And of course deep down that's what Rachel wants. But sometimes, she can't help but believe that romance has no place in this modern world she lives in.

_Was yours?_

She doesn't know why it matters, but it's something she feels she should know.

_No._

He's not going to beat around the bush. It wasn't and that's that.

_Your ability to expand on details never ceases to amaze me, Jesse._

He doesn't like all this exploration into his past: it's his present that he's more concerned with and he'd like it to involve her. So this entire conversation is becoming beyond surreal.

_It doesn't matter. What does matter is you. Meet me in 20?_

As much as he'd obviously like to go all the way with Rachel, call him pedantic but he wants it to be right, be special (for her more than him.) Firsts are a big deal for everyone and whilst he's astute enough to realise they might not be together forever, he wants their firsts – all their firsts – to be something worth remembering.

_And let Santana chose our outfits?_

He's about to reply with something witty and slightly inappropriate but Rachel knows him too well.

_And Jesse, leave any comments about me in her style of clothing at the door. Then have a cold shower. _

It's true: it was too much not to imagine a scantily clad Rachel roaming his room.

_This from the girl who was asking me to have my wicked way with her not ten minutes ago._

His point is annoyingly valid Rachel notes and quickly replies whilst dismissing Brittany's latest input. Even Quinn has to admit herself and Rachel would have fared better going alone. A shopping trip consisting of the female members of New Directions (minus Tina) was always going to be a recipe for disaster.

_That's different. And stop talking about your wicked way; it's starting to creep me out._

"What about this one?"

"No," came the definite chorus. Brittany sulked and put the dress (if you could call it that) back on the rails.

_You started it._

His response is as childish as ever.

_Well let's both leave all things wicked to the professionals. _

He doesn't follow.

_The professionals?_

She expected this kind of lax pace from Finn, not Jesse. But she'd forgive him (she always does.)

_Idina Menzel and Kristin Chenoweth, of course._

Now it made sense. He'd blame it on her improper use of capitalisation (that she did purely to fool him.)

_A pun on Wicked? Berry, your wit is nearly as magnificent as mine. _

He's never going to admit she's better than him at anything.

_Nearly? My wit is unparalleled, I'll have you know. And whilst some people take my self assurance as arrogance, I can assure you it's not. But feel free to quiver in my superiority, Jesse. Call me tonight?_

It's really not fair how Jesse manages to distract her from everything – the topic of their conversation, the much need shop she's meant to be partaking in.

_I think we're both aware I'm superior in most aspects of life and for your information, I never quiver. And I'll come over instead, just to prove that fact. _

Rachel finally pockets her phone, trying not to give in to grin that wants so desperately to grow and promptly drags Quinn and Mercedes away to find their perfect outfits. It takes a lot less time now Jesse's not preoccupying her and they finally select a variety of outfits to show Mr Schue.

"See what we can do when we all pull together?" Rachel grins but it only serves to nauseate everyone who, unlike Rachel, is exhausted after the afternoon's shop. But their lack of enthusiasm doesn't deter her own bountiful store (but that's more to do with the fact she gets to see Jesse this evening.)

He's a little late but it doesn't matter too much because both her father's are working late and not expected home until 11. Rachel's stood in front of her mirror and Jesse approaches her from behind and she smiles at him through the reflection.

"I'm sorry about earlier," she admits, "It was crazier than my usual suggestions."

"Definitely crazy. But I get your logic, I _think._" Well he doesn't, but then he doesn't understand how anyone could care about Finn Hudson either. But if keeping Finn happy keeps Rachel happy, he's got a plan to ensure that happens. "Just don't mention anything about it to him, because that way you're not technically lying."

"Only evading the truth," Rachel cottons on, liking this idea more than her earlier one. Jesse smirks because even he's shocked by his genius sometimes.

"And when the time is right, I'll have my _wicked_ way with you – " he kisses her slowly on the back of her neck as his arms swoop round her middle. "Then you won't be lying anymore and Finn will be none the wiser. But for now, we'll wait."

"We'll wait," she confirms and Jesse smiles. They go back downstairs and put on one of her father's old VHS films and lie down on the sofa, Jesse slotting in perfectly behind Rachel. And when her fathers come home and find them both fast asleep, neither has the heart to move them. And though her fathers discuss formulating (and enforcing) certain rules for the Rachel and Jesse for in the future, for now they'll let them be.


	6. Jesse recited Shakespeare

_A/N: Right well this was based entirely upon a suggestion by __**broadwaybuff **__so all thanks should be headed that way. It's lightly based upon the balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet but with a slight St. Berry spin on it. Obviously I don't own anything Shakespeare wrote. This one is really short though – sorry! – but I couldn't see how to lengthen it without making it seem pointless. So I hope it's okay and as always, read, review and enjoy :)_

What if Jesse recited Shakespeare?

"Jesse, this isn't even remotely funny. So could you stop, please – it's humiliating enough that I'm stuck here." Rachel – on the premise that Jesse believed she couldn't (and wouldn't) climb the large willow tree in he school yard – is stuck a couple of branches up said tree.

He ignores her, much to the delight of Artie, Santana, Brittany and half the rest of the school who are congregating beneath and around the tree because frankly, it's more interesting than whatever's being served in the canteen (which Jesse's not sure is even edible.)

"What light through your window breaks-" He can't help himself – this is too good an opportunity to miss. And anyway, Shakespeare deserves to be brought to modern audiences more often, Jesse believes, so really he's honouring a literary genius (and not humiliating Rachel. But she'd care to disagree.)

"It's _yonder_, Jesse," Rachel hisses down but he doesn't let than sway him. "And now is not the time."

"It's the perfect time," he whispers back, that playful yet roguish look on his face. If Rachel Berry wanted drama, drama she would get. "See how she leans her cheek upon her hand," Jesse recites loudly and the longer he goes on, the more publicity he's starting to attract (much to Rachel's dismay.) "O, that I were a glove upon that hand, that I might touch that cheek!"

"Ass cheek?" some unruly youth inputs unhelpfully. Rachel's red cheeks glow against the green foliage she's surrounded by but Jesse smirks, mentally capturing said youth's face in order to give him a friendly reminder later that Rachel is well and truly taken.

"Jesse, stop this right now. I demand you stop this stupidity." He can see her getting more and more flustered as times goes by (slow minute by slow minute.)

"She speaks," he gasps and she promptly throws her arms across her chest in opposition to his continuation, almost falling from the branch as she does so. She quickly steadies herself and re-grips the bark, a face of thunder aiming down at Jesse below. "O speak again, bright angel – "

"Oh don't worry; you'll be seeing the stars as soon as I get down, St. James."

"Oooooh!" a large group of boys chorus beneath her because a threat from Rachel Berry is practically unheard of, but Rachel can't hide the fact she's enjoying this newfound male attention.

"Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this?" Jesse – not one to be outdone – continues regardless, and the pitting of two equally dramatic personas is the talk of the town (or rather, the school yard.)

"You'll do no such thing Jesse; we're getting Rachel down now." Mr Schue intervenes because the guys underneath Rachel are getting too clear a view of the Rachel's underwear from beneath her skirt and Will's becoming increasingly disturbed by their actions. "Go home, kids. Show's over."

Jesse bows graciously and vacates the space to a hearty round of applause. The rest of New Directions may not be taking to Jesse too well, but the same cannot be said for the rest of the school. As far as they're concerned, he's the guy who gets away with murder (and could probably literally get away with murder too. People have already started approaching Jesse with their hit lists and he's not surprised to see half the glee club continuously feature in the top 10.)

A step ladder is found and after much more drama (would you expect any different?) Rachel's finally back on the ground. Jesse swans over to her as Mr Schue gives her the once over and he can tell from the stony look on her face that she didn't appreciate his recital. He notices a leaf stuck in her hair and almost suffocates her as he leans directly in her face to remove the leaf. She tries not to let his closeness affect her, but it's Jesse: he _always_ affects her.

"Get off me, Jesse," Rachel mutters and Jesse sighs, obliging. She folds her arms and he throws the leaf to the floor, the two of them watching it fall ever so slowly. The way she's pouting makes it impossible for Jesse not to kiss her lips so not one to defy destiny, he lowers his mouth to hers, keeping his hands behind his back (because groping Rachel in public is a no-go, he's discovered to his dismay. Sometimes he wishes she wasn't so stubborn.)

"Jesse, people are staring." She pushes him away but he merely grins, which only infuriates her further. Does he think her humiliation and embarrassment is a joke?

"Thy kingsmen are no stop to me," he whispers, bypassing her protests and kissing her again, completely ignoring Rachel's rules to bring a warm, sticky hand to the back of her neck. He's aware she's not making any effort to move her lips or respond to the kiss, but Jesse's too into the moment to care and anyway, she's not making an effort to push him away either so he'll keep kissing her until he runs out of air. Eventually, the inevitable happens and Jesse has to come up to breathe, and he grins as he releases her mouth. Rachel pretends she didn't enjoy any aspect of the kiss, but Jesse knows better and tugs at her hand. "Come on Juliet, let's get you home."

They watch Rome and Juliet when they get back to Rachel's (Jesse invites himself in and cooks her soup as an apology) and Jesse naturally proclaims he'd have been a better choice than DiCaprio. Rachel secretly disagrees but only because she's happy enough to have Jesse as her own Romeo.

"Just don't die on me, okay?" Rachel asks, a little sleepily. Jesse assures her he'll do nothing of the sort and gently strokes her hair until she falls asleep, both drifting off before the film ends.


	7. Rachel went all the way

_A/N: Another hypothetical St. Berry situation, this time a little more, well, intimate. It's based heavily around a song called Touch Me from (you guessed it) Spring Awakening. And I know, I know, the whole St. Berry saga combined with SA is totally overdone but I hope this is a little bit different. Anyway, after seeing Lea Michele's version of this on YT, I fell in love with the song even more and this here idea was born. (It may have also transpired after a dream I may or may not have had about a drunken Lea singing a few of these lyrics to Jon Groff. You know you obsess far too much when your favourite people are found in your dreams as well as your waking state. I need help, I'm sure.) But if you haven't heard her version of this song, what the hell are you waiting for? It is simply astoundingly beautiful and I dare you to dislike it._

_Anyway, I hope it's not too, too clichéd and that some aspect of enjoyment can be obtained from this! As it's hypothetical, I'm not going to work in (boring) details over where in the time arc this happens and all that jazz, but for a general note this happens somewhere before the 'Run, Joey, Run' incident but after everything in the Power of Madonna ep. There are lyrics of the song draped throughout, in like little fragments and it's not quoted word for word or in the right order so to speak. Like I said, it's hypothetical, a bit of fun (I hope!) and as always, read, review and enjoy! _

What if Rachel went all the way?

"Touch me," he tells her softly, bringing both her hands to cup his face. She obliges, quietly, and as their faces hover mere centimetres away, Rachel's no longer in control of the fuzz in her stomach or the blush on her cheeks. "_Just try it_."

If he thinks singing to her will calm her neurosis, he has another thing coming. She hesitates, worried he's mocking her with his singing (and is, Jesse quickly discovers, not too accustomed to one of his favourite musicals. But then with her two fathers, he's hardly surprised.) The moment's almost lost as a result and she's got that nervous look in her eye that always unpins her mature exterior. But Jesse, determined to keep the moment alive, decides to take matters into his own hands and slowly lowers his face to meet hers. He watches her eyes, determined not to close his and sink into the kiss until she closes hers, because then he'll know she's okay with this. Eventually, just before their lips merge her long eyelashes flutter shut and he joins her in the darkness as he feels the softness of her lips brush over the dryness on his. Their usual kisses are quick and jittery, usually because Jesse insists on kissing in public (he's a performer, always has been) but now they're in her room, _alone_, and it's a different story. This is slower and longer and borderline agony for Jesse, who's not used to such a (slow and unhurried) pace. But for Rachel, it's new, it's untouched and though she knows Jesse's guiding her through, she still feels like she's running blind.

He eventually pulls away and her eyes remain shut for a moment after, half through pleasure, half through embarrassment, because she doesn't want to see his face and let him know what effect he's having on her.

"Now that's," he kisses her gently on the tip of her nose, "heaven." She blushes, because a compliment from Jesse is something to behold highly and though she'd protest and say she'd rather he complimented her talent for singing, she's can't lie to herself and say she doesn't like him complimenting this side to her too. Because she is, whatever way you dress it up, new at this and Jesse most definitely isn't. So she'll take the compliment and run because she's sure she won't be getting any from anyone else anytime soon.

"_Now that I like,_" he breathes out the words to the song she doesn't recognise and it's softer this time, until she stops him with another kiss; a kiss deep enough to knock the wind from within his sails. It seems his protégé is something of a quick learner. "God," he breathes as she moves her hands down to linger on his neck, and even though she's applying no pressure, he still feels like he's being choked. _That's so nice_, he thinks in his head because she's not releasing his mouth long enough to even finish the line. But he won't complain: this isn't a performance of the vocal nature and he can cope with a few breathy passages if this is the compensation.

"Like that?" she asks, pulling away, because she's not sure she's meant to kiss him this way. She blushes again just by asking and Jesse's sure that he could not possibly love someone more than how much he loves Rachel right now. The fact that she's sounding so vulnerable just proves to him that she hasn't got a clue over how he really feels about her. Because if she did, she wouldn't need to feel nervous. At all.

"Just like that," he breathes as she kisses him again, only not on the lips. Her own lips have selected the spot beneath the top of his neck and the base of his jaw, and he swears she's going to make his pulse erupt if she doesn't stop. "And that," he adds, as she releases his neck.

She swallows slowly because she's never seen Jesse this flustered and nor has she felt this flustered herself. His eyes are clamped shut but rather than try and get his attention, Rachel decides to up the ante and reapplies her lips to his.

"_Oh_, yeah," he breathes and he can't avoid the feeling of her smiling delightedly against his lips. "This is – now that's Heaven."

"You should really stop with the religious vocabulary, Jesse." He doesn't know how she can be so serious and so collected when she's managing to slowly drive him insane. "People might start to believe you're –

"An angel?" He substitutes, letting his eyebrows dance suggestively. Rachel giggles but she's soon silenced as he swoops down (a little too fast) and captures her lips again. Only this time, she's caught unaware and tipples backwards on the bed, Jesse landing mostly atop of her, never breaking contact. One of his hands is caught under her neck; the other gently brushes the hair from her face before moving slowly down to the base of her jumper and sliding onto a piece of her smooth, untouched skin. She gasps and tries to suck her stomach in so he can't reach it, but he persists and as her eyes drift upwards, he performs little circles with his thumb over her stomach.

She doesn't know when she agreed to it but he's gradually lifting her top over her head and he's letting her watch as he pulls of his t-shirt too. He sees her visibly tense a little and swallow twice, so he takes her hands and places them on either of his shoulders. He waits, as she becomes accustomed to the feel of skin – his skin – beneath her fingers, and then speaks, trying to tell her one hundred and one things with one simple look. You're doing fine. You're safe with me. I love you.

"Now lower down," he whispers instead, placing his hands on top of hers and taking them on a slow path down the front of his chest, pausing every now and then. Her eyes follow their hands because she really can't face to catch his eyes and she inadvertently inhales when he looks like he's not going to make their hands stop and they come a little too close to the top of his jeans. She pulls her hands away from his under his quickly and though he doesn't let on, he's a little disappointed.

"Jesse, I – " She looks like she could cry at any moment and Jesse doesn't want to patronise her, but she's never looked more adorable. "I can't – can we just – "

He nods because he knows how much she wants this (because he wants it ten times more) but he's not going to be the one who pushes her. He rolls beside her and their faces meet on her pillow. He guesses she's comfortable enough to remain in her bra and so drapes an arm over her hip and pulls her closer to him, letting her legs slide in between his. They're entangled in a way that it's difficult to see where Jesse ends and Rachel begins, but it's the closest she's ever felt to someone and though she's feeling terribly self-conscious, Rachel finds the way Jesse thrums on her bare rib cage oddly comforting. He kisses her between her eyebrows and then settles himself and closes his eyes. Rachel watches him for a moment before following suit and letting hers shut to a gentle state of closed.

They fall to sleep several minutes, maybe an hour later and wake up in the morning to find they've hardly moved in the night and his hand is still holding onto her side, like he's scared that if he lets go, he'll lose this wonder he's somehow managed to discover.

And whilst Jesse's a little disappointed his efforts didn't quite ascertain the outcome he wanted (their first time tied together with the glorious vocals of 'Touch Me' would have been one for the ages) he's content to know that when she decides she is ready to go all the way, she'll be happy to do it with him.


	8. Rachel made Jesse jealous

_A/N: So I'm getting a bit addicted to putting songs in these one shots and this one is from Rent. And yes, I'm far too obsessed with Rent for my own good but still, this is one of my favourite songs. And I've adapted it from Rosario Dawson's version rather than the Broadway one per se, mainly because it gave me an excuse to watch Rent over and over again (not that I need an excuse.) Slight language warning for the close, but I'm sure you're all adult enough ;)_

_This could just as accurately be called '(What if) Rachel finally felt good about being Rachel Berry' but that's a bit of a mouthful so the title remains as printed below. And as always, I hope this is okay and that you enjoy!_

What If Rachel made Jesse jealous?

"You?" Kurt scoffs because Rachel simply hasn't got a hope in hell.

"Well, why not me?" Rachel demands, showing Mercedes the flyer. Mercedes is sceptical but remains tight lipped (Rachel's on the debate team – it's asking for murder to argue against her.)

"Rachel, the crème de la crème attend this talent show. Not wannabe Broadway stars. Half of them won't even have heard of Barbra." Kurt's words cause Rachel to inhale too hard and she almost chokes on her own air. But she quickly regains composure and is even more determined to prove them all wrong.

"Then I'll introduce her and her kind to the masses."

"Berry, you cannot do that." Kurt's never been more assured on anything. "No really. It'll be social suicide."

"They can't be that bad," Rachel begins, a little uneasy. She's managed to win over every audience she's ever performed to – how bad can these be?

"Rachel, they're the edgy New Yorker's. The overseas rich kids. They're not exactly going to mad for your knee high's and plaid skirts."

"Look Berry, they're cool, you're not." Santana's as blunt as ever but Kurt shrugs his shoulders because she has a point.

"Well I'm still going to enter," Rachel announces defiantly, "And you can all come and witness me win this audience over."

"I could use a laugh," Santana adds a little cruelly but it's decided: Friday night will see New Directions venture out into the city for the show of a lifetime. It's a talent show open to everyone and anyone (but everyone knows only the rich kids and the edgy kids and the cool kids will enter.) It takes place in a dingy pub across town, with a stage just metres from the bar but on Friday, it will be home to all of New Directions.

**-StB-**

"What's with the bag?" Mercedes is already beginning to feel embarrassed. Rachel merely grins and taps it twice.

"My costume," she replies to which a collaboration of groans manifest. Kurt ushers the rest of the New Directions posse in the other direction, murmuring something that sounds like 'just act like we don't know her.' Rachel sighs, a somewhat satisfied smile on her face as she signs her name at the bottom of the list. But the smile fades in an instant when someone approaching the entrance catches her gaze. She realises, as a glass smashes (courtesy of Puck), that everyone else spotted him at the same time.

"Well of course he'd be here," Kurt mutters furiously. He quickly spies Rachel flying solo by the entrance and, against his better judgement, strides towards her and directs her into the corner they've selected to sit in. "Do _not _talk to that jackass, Rachel. He's below even you."

Jesse's got his arm draped round a redhead who, in her defence, is prettier than most. She looks a little uncomfortable under his arm but makes no effort to shrug him off. All of New Directions watch in anticipation, seeing if either one signs their name to perform. Rachel's surprised to see Jesse pass on an opportunity to perform and suddenly performing herself seems like a bad idea.

"Don't even think about backing out, girl." Mercedes eyes Rachel who clutches her bag tightly. "Show him what us McKinley girls are made of."

Rachel finds the dressing room a little while later, full of glamorous girls with their lean figures and vamped up hair. She peers in her bag and sees the floaty lace dress she was going to wear for an updated rendition of 'On My Own' and as she looks back to the room where the girls are dressing in printed leggings and bras for t-shirts, the white dress looks far too innocent to even have been born.

She sighs in disappointment because there's no way she's going out wearing that, so she resolves to stay in the dressing room, hoping to quickly catch the guy announcing each performer before he gets to her name.

"You okay, doll?" A girl of about 23 leans over Rachel to grab an eyeliner.

"Yes, I'm fine thank you," Rachel replies, not entirely sure why she's being spoken to.

"Look, if you're stuck for a costume, rummage through mine," she drawls, pointing to an overflowing bag of clothes. It seems someone wants Rachel to perform tonight. "I'd say we're about the same size," she adds, winking and nudging Rachel as she expertly draws a thick flick of black to her upper lids. The girl smoothes an eyebrow and air kisses the mirror before wishing Rachel good luck and making her way to the stage. She was to be, Rachel discovers, the third act to be performing and whilst she had no idea why she had offered, taking her up on said offer Rachel would most definitely be doing.

The dressing room's getting emptier as people crowd onto the wings to watch the performances go down so Rachel bites the bullet and trails through the many garments, a smile of satisfaction crowning as she picks out something delightfully delicate, that screams 'I'm not Rachel Berry.' Because tonight, she's going to be so much more and she's going to tell everyone (and that includes Jesse) just what they've been missing out on.

The minutes pass by slowly and eventually a young lad enters the dressing room, his hand clamped over his eyes. He calls out blindly for Rachel who inhales deeply: this is it.

She's passed a microphone and asked what song she's singing and suddenly, there's no going back. She gives herself the once over and grips the mic tightly; going out there would be hard enough but the fact that Jesse's there with his new squeeze makes it ten times worse. But she pushes all thoughts of him out her mind and focuses on doing what she came here to do: prove that she could win over any audience that watched her.

So when her name is called, she stalks onto the stage like she hasn't got a care in the world. She ignores Jesse completely, who's still got his arm around the petite redhead. He stares because he recognises the name (how could he not?) but it's not Rachel Berry on stage. At least not the one he knew. She glances over at the New Directions table and feels a grin begin to emerge because she's shocked them all to silence.

"They _cannot_ be her own clothes," Santana hisses but Mercedes waves her hand frantically to quieten Santana down.

"If they are, I'm totally making her wear them to rehearsal," Puck adds, a devilish look dancing in his eyes. Rachel, instead of the white lace dress, is adorned in a short, sleek black skirt that clings to her thighs like there's no tomorrow. Her legs, looking longer than usual (probably due to the rising hem of her skirt) are finished with black velour heels and a baggy white top with a laced bow on the front has been tucked in but drapes out over the top of the skirt. It looks effortless and edgy and everything Rachel's not but somehow it suits her, just for tonight.

The grin fades and the show face is applied; only it's different from usual. No glowing teeth or fluttering eyelashes; instead, a tough exterior with a cool nonchalance. She gets a cheer from Mercedes and Tina, whilst Puck wolf whistles and Finn stares appreciatively, a little bemused to how Rachel's suddenly learnt how to dress so, well, normal. She turns to the side of the stage and nods, cueing her music from the resident live band, keeping her eyes focusing on anyone that isn't Jesse. She knows the song's a gamble but she's also aware that no one else will sing it and frankly, she's talented enough to take it.

The band starts to play and as the rock-type intro begins, a new craze of faces takes over the New Directions, ranging from shock (Kurt), pride (Mercedes), bemusement and amusement (Puck, Artie, Finn and the rest of the boys.) Quinn's a little sceptical and Santana's busy rubbing Brittany's back because she's already starting mixing spirits and that's never a wise move.

Rachel's eyes fall to the floor as she immerses herself in the quiet murmuring of the audience and the electric sound of the band. Her knee pops in time with the music as she pats her fingers on the front of her hip. The mic's ready by her mouth and as she lifts her head to sing, she's ready to remind Jesse just what he's lost.

"_What's the time? Well it's got to be close to midnight," _a stunned silence – minus Rachel's singing – takes over the bar and her voice hits each and every corner. "_My body's talking to me, it says time for danger._'

She runs a sultry hand from her neck, down the middle of chest and towards her lower abdomen. It's dangerous and daring (and a little bit dirty) but tonight she's out to shock and shock she intends to do. "_It says I wanna commit crime, wanna be the cause of a fight," _she eyes the group of males closest to the raised platform and they share childish grins as Rachel's skirt rides a little to high to be rated PG. "_I wanna put on a tight skirt," _she continues, twanging the elasticated fabric clinging to her legs and it earns her a hearty round of applause from the boys. She steps off the platform and advances on their table, choosing one dark haired one to tease, sitting herself on his lap and running soft fingers from his forehead to his cheek. "_And flirt with a stranger."_

She hops off his lap and still facing her audience, she begins backing towards the stage and it's only now she steals a glance at Jesse but his face remains unreadable. Determined to not let it throw her, she glances towards the New Directions table and Puck's started clapping to the music, whilst the girls all cheer her on.

"_I've had a knack from way back, at breaking the rules once I learn the games," _she points to herself as she mounts the platform backwards, shaking her head forward slightly so her hair, wild and free, falls forwards over her shoulders. "_Get up, life's too quick, I know some place sick where this chick will dance in the flames_."

She embarks on a wired, loose style dance on the stage, lifting one arm up above her head and lightly stamping one foot to accentuate each beat. She heads back into the audience and it's clear she's already starting to win them over (no one's been _this_ gusty before.)

"_We don't need any money, I always get in for free" _Someone's left a few notes on their table, ready for the next round of drinks but Rachel gathers them in her hands and chucks them in the air, letting them fall back to the table as the boys from earlier cheer and jeer. She advances on another table, around which four young men sit and she, again, targets one, this time grabbing the scruff of the front of his white t-shirt and lifting him to his feet. "_You can get in too, if you get in with me."_

Rachel releases the man and pushes him back to seating, much to his displeasure but as she dares a glance to Jesse, the way he's sitting tensely with knuckles slightly whitened tells her she's starting to get to him. She makes her way back to the little stage and catches a few girls clapping her on from the corner of the stage and she's never felt so uninhibited in her life. Performing has always been her life but this is something new, this is unchartered territory and she in love with the freedom that comes with it.

She's won over Puck and Quinn and Finn, she's even won over Kurt. And Jesse? Jesse's about as far from being won over as you can get but he can't stop staring either, so Rachel still figures she's won something.

"_Let's go out tonight, I have to go out tonight." _She look likes someone else, someone freer, as she hits the notes so perfectly. She's a shadow of her former, awkward self and suddenly she's streetwise and savvy and stunning and she's never felt more alive. "_You wanna play?" _She asks one of her targets from earlier and he winks in reply, "_Let's run away, won't be back before it's New Years day. Take me out tonight."_

She leaves out the meow played out by Dawson in the film but Kurt, who's apparently more enthused by Rachel's performance than half the red-blooded males, fills it in for her much to the delight of Mercedes who crows with heartfelt laughter. The whole night's been a real bonding experience and if it weren't for Jesse's appearance, Rachel would have gone as far as to say it was perfect.

But suddenly she finds her eyes finally meeting his and as he realises she's actually looking at him (only him) his arm quickly leaves the redhead's shoulders and his hands run nervously down the thighs of his jeans. And there was Rachel thinking he didn't get nervous anymore.

"_In the evening I've got to roam, can't sleep in the city of neon and chrome," _she sings but Jesse can't really hear the words and as he watches her writhe with the music on stage, he swears he misses her sing half the lines. But then her eyes latch on to his and as she sings this time, he hears every word and it sounds something like a suggestion (but maybe that's just his wishful thinking.) "_So let's find a bar so dark we forget who we are, where all the scars from the never's and maybe's die."_

But Rachel suddenly remembers Jesse's not the only one she's singing to (in fact, she shouldn't be singing to him at all.) "_Just take me out tonight, please take me out tonight," _and as she sings out her heart, she lifts her head to the ceiling as if nothing can stop her ever again. "_Don't forsake me out tonight, I'll let you make me out tonight."_

And as she finishes the song half the audience (particularly the males) rise to their feet and applaud louder than Rachel swears she's heard before. She sends a triumphant smirk in Kurt's direction and he tips his head towards her in appreciation. He can't lie: the girl did good. As she bows to her audience, she catches Jesse's eye and his face is not matching the admiration she sees on everyone else's. But she blinks slowly away from him, letting him know that frankly, she doesn't care.

"Give it up for Rachel Berry!" The overly camp presenter makes his way back onto the stage, congratulating Rachel with a sweaty handshake. She tries not to show her disgust but the New Directions clan know her too well and fall about into raucous laughter. "I think this little lady will have plenty of invitations to go out tonight, am I right boys?"

Kurt looks horrified at the presentation of the presenter but his shock is drowned out by a loud chorus of 'Berry, Berry, Berry!' that takes over the bar. Rachel bows again, straightens her skirt and finally leaves the stage to be attacked with embraces from Mercedes, Tina, Puck and Finn. Quinn winks and Rachel grins in return and even Santana salutes her efforts. (Brittany doesn't, she's gone home with Artie, trying to sober up.)

"You rocked that, Rachel," Finn says proudly, a little unsure of how he'd never seen this side of her before.

"You think so?" She asks, because a little extra confidence booster is always necessary.

"You _know_ so," Kurt inputs, playfully pushing Rachel on the arm. "And you totally worked up him, so a good night all round."

"You could say that," Rachel replies, smirking heavily. She remains close to Finn, who's arm scoots round her waist and they watch the next few performers (a country band, a few more solos and a dynamic duo that got a little too touchy feely for the audience's liking. But of course, none of them quite matched Rachel, but then, they never would.)

She decides to head out for a bit of air because it's been an exhilarating night and she needs to remember what it feels like to be on earth before she gets too used to walking on the clouds. Finn places a sloppy kiss on the side of her cheek and she glows as she makes her way outside. She chuckles softly to herself as she leans against the wall because she still can't believe she did that song in front of all those people; she's Rachel Berry, she strives on perfection and planning and pretence but tonight was anything but. It was real and raw and spontaneous and not to mention draining. She swills the cool liquid around in the glass and slowly brings it to her lips, letting the cold water trickle down her throat. And as she opens her eyes, she's suddenly face to face with Jesse, with nowhere to run. He's got both his hands flat on the wall, each arm extending either side of her head leaving her no means of escape (just how he wants it.) How he's managed to exit the bar and creep up on her without being heard will forever puzzle her and though she knows she shouldn't give him the light of day, she finds her eyes instantly drawn to his face

"That performance was for my benefit, I take it?" He (wrongly) assumes it's all about him. But things have changed since he's been away and he's no longer the pivot her world revolves around. It's his spring break and after performing in this very show last year, he decided revisiting it was definitely on the agenda.

"Hardly," she retorts and she's surprised at how still her voice is because her heart is anything but. "I didn't even know you'd be here."

"Well, I am," he announces but it's quite clear from their close proximity that he's here. "I know what you're trying to do," he adds and she can feel each and every breath leave his body and rest against hers, washing slowly over the tips of her skin.

"And what's that?" She's saying words without even thinking about speech, like she's on autopilot because with Jesse that close to her body, she's finding it hard to breathe let alone anything else.

"Make me jealous," he claims, voice low and hungry. It hits a different part of her stomach, that deep, hidden part that churns as he moves closer to her, nudging her left leg slightly so both his legs fit in between hers.

"Jesse, you're really not that important to me anymore," she informs him slowly, trying to stay calm and collected but it's nigh on impossible.

"Wanna bet?" He asks but before she can answer, his head dips and the next thing she knows, his lips are attached to her burning hot skin, only serving to make it flame more furiously. She feels his teeth graze slightly over her shoulder and that's when she knows it's already going too far. With the hand without the glass in, she uses all her might to push Jesse off her, but she only succeeds in moving him a slight margin. She keeps her hand pressed against his chest in case he tries anything else, but they're both aware she's no match for this strength.

"You can't do this," she tells him, breathy and burning, "You broke my heart."

"Then I'll fix it," he murmurs, trying to lean back in but once again, she pushes him away. She has to make him see that he can't just keep ruling her life, picking her up and dropping her as and when he pleases. And even though she's won tonight, because she's triumphant in making Jesse St. James jealous, this wasn't what she was aiming for (not really.)

"Your girlfriend's in there," she adds, remembering the petite female he was with all evening. And since he didn't even know Rachel would be here, it wasn't exactly a publicity stunt.

"She's not my girlfriend," he breathes and as he starts to lower his lips to her neck again, she realises she's running out of reasons to make him stop. She has no idea if he's telling the truth but she quickly forgets anything she's thinking as his lips travel north, creating a hot trail from her shoulder to under her ear, then down the front of her jaw line. His hands remain on the wall, enclosing her in but his feet move closer to her, nudging her legs further apart so his body is flush against hers. Upon the contact, the glass from her hand slips to the floor and shatters with a crash but Rachel's too far gone to notice. It takes him a while, but eventually he reaches her lips and they're already waiting for his touch to reach them.

It's a clash of light and colour and alcohol and water, and everything he's missed the time he's been away. Her hands are the first to move, touching his hand, his body, his face – anything she can find as her eyes remain clamped shut. The wall's uncomfortable against her back as his body weight continues to press against her, giving her no room to move or breathe until he lifts his head away from her face and feels her chest convulse beneath his heavily beating one.

His breath is hot against her neck as he moves to the other side and they both know it's just a matter of time before someone comes out and finds them conjoined but Jesse, quite frankly, wants them to and Rachel's too deep in a state of delirious exhaustion to make Jesse stop. He pulls at the top of the baggy shirt she's wearing and tugs it further down so more of her skin is exposed. He lavishes rough kisses to her collar bone and her stomach swoops again because they _really_ shouldn't be doing this. They hear the bar door open and someone else has joined them outside but Jesse refuses to stop, continuing his attention to Rachel's lower neck before reclaiming her lips as she opens them to protest. It's a sly move on Jesse's behalf but he figures it's only fair after her tortuous performance earlier.

Her cheeks burn as the person who's joined them makes no effort to leave them be and she continues the kiss in the hope that it's no one she knows. Jesse, on the other hand, stops the kiss and instead lets his forehead rest upon hers, his hair sticking between layers of skin.

"Jesse, I'm going home." It's the redhead from before but Jesse makes no effort to lift himself from Rachel's body. Rachel's panting heavily against the wall, trying to swallow down her embarrassment at being caught so promiscuously. Especially with Jesse. "Don't bother following me."

"Leight," Jesse reluctantly peels himself off of Rachel, who stays flush against the wall trying to regain regularity to her breathing.

"Don't 'Leight' me, St. James. I've had enough." She doesn't sound angry; she sounds weary and certain and final, like this sort of thing was not a one-off. And then he's torn – torn between the girl he loves and the girl he's lost and right now, he's not sure which one is which. "D'you know what, Jesse? I've just about had enough of your bullshit," she turns on the spot, arms crossed tightly over her chest and head tilted to the ground.

He runs a desperate hand through his hair (which Rachel notices has grown) and plays with his tongue in his mouth, deliberating over what to do. Because whatever he chooses leaves consequences and neither option is looking that promising.

"Go after her," Rachel finally tells Jesse, her voice a little quiet and a little subdued, her lips still rosy and plumped. "Don't lose her like you lost me."

And though it's clear Jesse's far from over Rachel (it's obvious how jealous her performance had made him), Rachel's ready to finally be over him (even if that kiss tells him otherwise.) And so she'll take tonight as a victory; the night where she won over the crowd, won over the Kurt's of the world and ultimately, she won back her heart.

"Until next year, Rachel." Jesse mutters, placing one last, long languid kiss upon her lips before running after the other girl, and Rachel watches as they disappear into the distance, a soft smile etched on her face because making Jesse jealous once is a triumph, doing it twice is a challenge. (And she's already planning next year's entry because she's sure of one thing: Jesse St. James will keep to his word.) And if she wants to triumph once and for all – because that's all life is, a never ending challenge – she's got to up the ante.

A satisfied smirk creeps onto her face and she re-enters the bar, letting Finn shower her with affection and letting Puck buy her drinks because night was never about Jesse (even if she can't deny the fact she enjoyed making him jealous): tonight was about her and for the first time in a long time, it felt good to be Rachel Berry.


	9. Jesse had a younger brother

_A/N: Firstly, sorry for the long wait again – I am trying to find time to write, it's just a bit hectic right now! Plus I'm lacking a little in inspo but gradually it's coming back to me, so I hope to update a little more regularly soon! This is an odd piece that takes a closer look in Jesse's home life, centring mostly around how his relationship with a younger brother might go. It's lightly based off Skins, and the relationship between Cook and Paddy but without all the swearing and jail sentences. But without further ado, meet Freddy St. James :)_

**-StB-**

She goes to his house because she deserves an explanation (and more, but she's not holding out for much.) She waits on his drive because inviting herself into his house is weird and anyway, she's not even sure he's home yet. She's letting everything ride of hearsay from a friend (or conquest) of Santana and she's not quite ready to humiliate herself for Jesse again. So she tells herself she'll wait until 7 and if no one spots her from inside or pulls up on the drive, then she'll let sleeping dogs lie and erase him from her memory. And though she should want 7 to hurry up and arrive, she kind of figures that now she's made the effort, that explanation is more than warranted.

_Earlier that morning_

"You're home, then." It's not exactly the welcome party he'd have liked (but he didn't hold out for much; he learnt not to years ago.)

"Well spotted," he retorts and she exhales so sharply he'd be worried she'd pierce herself if she wasn't made entirely of cold-hearted stone.

"I see you're starting already," she scoffs, leaving him at the door and returning to the kitchen. "You never change, Jesse!" Her shouts reverberate from the kitchen but Jesse ignores it (like he always does.) "Why don't you ever grow the hell up?"

He wants to shout back _why don't you _but he really can't be bothered to get in a fight this early on. In fact, he'd like to shout many more obscenities, only he's stopped by a scurrying of scuffled footsteps and a little being is catapulted into his arms. He wraps his arms around the significantly smaller ones, squeezing the body so hard he earns a series of punches to his stomach. Jesse employs simulated pain, stopping only when the worry on the little boy's face almost leads to tears (and tears from a St. James are not ones to taunt.)

"Missed me then, Freds?" It's a stupid question and so arrogantly Jesse, but he forgets Freddy's learnt from the best (him.)

"No," he tells Jesse far too convincingly, wide green eyes meeting Jesse's blue ones. "I've been busy."

"Busy?" Jesse enquires, taking a seat on the flush leather sofa, rolling his eyes as his mother can be heard wittering on in the distance.

"Yep," Freddy replies proudly, a large grin on his face and Jesse notices the substantial lack of teeth on Freddy's behalf. Freddy launches him self, army roll style, onto the sofa beside Jesse, his legs landing in a tangled mess on Jesse's lap. Both boys ignore the colourful threats emerging from the kitchen about the cost of her leather sofas. "They're her new babies now I've grown up," he explains solemnly and it saddens Jesse because it's probably true. "But I don't mind," Freddy continues, a smile that he's clearly inherited from his brother taking over his small face, "I like being grown up. I walk to school _and_ back home, all by myself. You need to watch your back Jess, I'll be more grown up than you soon."

Jesse exhibits a soft laughter that seems to originate in his nose and Freddy lifts his head, tilting at the odd sound Jesse made. Jesse pushes his head back into the leather with two fingers and Freddy laughs heartily, trying to lift his head again but Jesse's too strong.

"I'll beat you one day," Freddy tells Jesse so earnestly, he almost believes it. There's a pause and it's nice, because it's silly things like this that Jesse misses the most (and Rachel.) "You've been gone for ages," Freddy adds, more as an afterthought than a new conversation. And it's true, but apart from Freddy, Jesse doesn't feel he's got anything to come home for. And he's only here now because he needs time away from everything there, because everything there reminds him of Rachel (and everything he subjected her to.)

Jesse lifts his fingers off of Freddy's head and lifts himself heavily from the sticky, leather seat. He leaves his bags at the door and signals for Freddy to follow him outside to the car.

"Got you a present," Jesse smirks because Freddy can't resist eagerly pressing his face to the car window. It's wrapped and Freddy runs inside with it to show their mother, who bats him away without a second thought. Jesse ushers him upstairs as their mother continues with her phone call because it's really not worth the hassle to disturb her (he's learnt that the hard way.) He's got one for his mother too which he chucks on the floor but she doesn't even notice. He sighs (things never change) and follows Freddy upstairs.

It's just the two of them against everything (and everyone) but somehow, that's okay.

**-StB-**

Jesse's showing him videos of his time at school and before he realises it, silly little clips of him and Rachel appear on the screen.

"Who's _that_?" Freddy asks with intrigue, pointing to the screen because that's the only girl he's heard that has a voice almost as good as Jesse.

"She's called Rachel," Jesse informs Freddy, and it's clear his smile is giving him away because Freddy's arching an eyebrow and attempting to tap his foot on the floor, only he ends up tapping Jesse's leg because he can't quite reach the floor.

"Is she your girlfriend?" Freddy asks and it sounds a little like an accusation (a disgusted accusation at that) which makes Jesse smile a little more.

"She's not," he tells Freddy who still looks a little sceptical, "So don't worry, you have my _full_ attention."

"Maybe I don't want it," Freddy announces, lifting his nose in the air but his proclamation of superiority doesn't last for long because Jesse's hands find Freddy's ribs and he almost slips off Jesse's lap as he's tickled close to death.

"Of course you want it," Jesse says a few minutes later, a smug smile dancing on his lips and in his eyes. "Everyone wants a piece of Jesse St. James"

"No one wants a piece of Freddy St. James," Freddy acknowledges and he tries not to let on that it hurts. He's become so good at masking it, he forgets that around Jesse, he doesn't have to.

"Dad not been around?" Freddy scoffs and Jesse wonders when this little lad grew up so fast. It appeared he's missed a lot.

"Dad's here even less than you are, Jess." Jesse's a little saddened to hear his brother speak the frank truth, but the truth hearts. Jesse learnt that the hard way too.

(Break it like you broke my heart.)

Freddy slips fully off his lap, walking to the window and peering outside to the world below. Jesse can see greasy prints on the glass and it's clear Freddy spends a lot of his time here. It's Jesse's room but that's not the real reason Freddy likes it; it has a clear view of the town and the hustle and bustle of everyday life.

"Mum said I could have your room if I wanted." Jesse about to reply but Freddy never gives him much chance to speak. "But I told her you'd be coming back for it."

Freddy puts a clammy hand on the glass and peers down to the world below, like he's longing to escape everything and just live out there. He sighs and lifts his hand away, clambering down from the window sill to stand back by Jesse.

"Right, we're going out." Because Freddy's longed for it too long and Jesse decides someone should finally show him how great life can be.

"Why?"

"Because anywhere is better than here," Jesse shrugs. Their mother is like a virus; stand too close and you get infected. And he doesn't want that for Freddy, with his emerald eyes and cute curls that make the two of them look more alike than ever. Freddy doesn't hesitate because Jesse's right; anywhere is better than home and even if it's not, spending time with Jesse is enough for him.

"Should we tell mom?" Freddy hovers anxiously at the drive, glancing back at the house as Jesse's already beginning to walk away.

"Like she'd care," Jesse scoffs and Freddy quickly agrees, running to catch Jesse up. They don't hold hands or crow with laughter as they walk; they walk side by side in a comfortable silence and sometimes, it's all they need. They find an empty field and Jesse takes off his jacket to let Freddy sit on it. They sit beside each other and point out odd shaped clouds, play fighting every now and then (and of course Jesse always wins.)

"Why do you never visit, Jesse?"

"I was busy, Freds." Busy chasing Rachel, spending each and every weekend contemplating how best to snare her (and not just for Shelby's benefit.)

"With that girl?" Freddy's more savvy than Jesse gives him credit for.

"For a little while," Jesse shrugs and Freddy throws a few daisy heads at his brother's face.

"What happened?" He shouldn't be having this conversation with his ten year old brother, but there's no one else who'll ever understand.

"We broke up," Jesse mutters, because the details are not for delicate ears and call him selfish, but he still wants Freddy to think the world of him.

"What did you do?" Freddy asks, laying his head on Jesse's lap.

"How'd you know it was me?" Jesse demands but Freddy just rolls his eyes far too dramatically. He knows from past experience: Jesse always mucks it up.

"So?" Freddy's as insistent and stubborn as Jesse (he's had to be to get heard.)

"I can't tell you Freds," because it still feels as raw as it did the second after he'd done it.

"But are you sorry?" And Freddy sounds so little, so innocent, his eyes gazing upwards from Jesse's lap.

"So much," Jesse breathes, finally daring to bare all.

"Then tell her you're sorry, Jess, just tell her."

"I can't kid," because he can't. And what good would it do anyway?

"But she's the only one who loves you," and it tears Jesse apart to have someone else know it too. "Apart from me."

"What do you know about love?" Jesse jokes, ruffling the younger boy's soft curls.

"Enough," he retorts and it's with the same arrogance that Jesse so rightly claims. "Mum doesn't love us," he adds, as if that's he's explanation for his knowledge on love. And though it's true, it still pains Jesse to see the hurt in the little boy's eyes.

"But _I_ love you," Jesse pushes the little boy's face away as if Freddy needs to toughen up but the childish laughter melts his heart. "That's all you need to know."

The boy clambers on top of Jesse and pushes his shoulders down so he's lying flat on the grass. He rearranges himself so he's comfortably lying on Jesse, both lying so they're facing the sky, Jesse placing a protective hand on the boy's chest. His little heart beats beneath Jesse's hand and it's the most content he's felt in a while.

"She's very pretty," Freddy announces after a couple of minutes and it brings a smile to Jesse's face: they really are each other's brother. "And she has nice hair."

It's such a Freddy thing for him to mention (he gets teased for his curly mop but Jesse assures him that when he's older, it'll be a godsend. Girls totally dig it.) and Jesse absently runs a hand through his own.

"She does," Jesse agrees, smiling through his words because Rachel's hair is almost as mesmerising as his own.

"What does it smell like?" Freddy asks, instinctively rubbing his nose before replacing his hands on top of Jesse's, which still lies flat on Freddy's chest.

"Usually something fruity," Jesse informs his brother and he can't mistake the sigh of happiness and imagination that escapes Freddy's lips.

"That's nice," he comments and Jesse fights the urge to laugh because Freddy really is a classic. "Mum's always smells of smoke," he adds sadly before the anger takes over and he propels himself off of Jesse's body and curls himself into a tight ball on the floor, punching the floor to punctuate each word. "I hate her. I hate her, I hate her, I hate her!"

"I know, Freds," Jesse sighs, "I know." Jesse rubs the little boy's back gently and eventually he stills, keeping his face hidden to the ground. "Come on,"

"Where?" Freddy mumbles to the ground, trying not to laugh as Jesse effortlessly lifts him off the floor (Freddy's nothing in comparison to the girls in Vocal Adrenaline.) He gives up and then gives in, squealing as Jesse lifts his little body above his head, eventually settling him down on his shoulders. Jesse keeps a relaxed grip on either one of Freddy's legs, leaning a little bit backwards every so often to hear Freddy crow in fearful laughter.

"It's a surprise," Jesse replies with a smirk and Freddy leans forward to rest his chin on top of Jesse's head. They visit all manner of places and don't return home until late. He buys them lunch on the go and let him do all the things little boys are supposed to do. But as the afternoon draws, Jesse knows too well that it's time to return home (if he could call it that) because his mother will expect them both home for dinner, where she'll make them sit around the oversized table and talk about their day, like she's the perfect housewife. Only she's not (and Jesse's pretty sure she never will be.)

But as they re-find Jesse's car and drive back home, someone's standing in his drive who he never expected to see.

"That's her!" Freddy crows excitedly, peering out the window, "That's the girl!"

Jesse clenches his teeth because this was not supposed to happen and he reluctantly exits his car and finds himself staring into the eyes of the girl whose heart he broke in two. Freddy climbs out and joins the two of them, staring from one face to the other.

"Tell her, Jesse," Freddy informs his older brother with an air of authority that shouldn't exist in a ten year old child. Jesse raises a sceptical eyebrow as Rachel stares with a fond look on her face. Jesse hands Freddy their selection of items from the day, giving him a little push towards the house.

"I'll be there in a minute, Freds." But Freddy knows better than to leave Jesse to do this alone. So he folds his arm, a smug smirk painted over his toothy grin. He sits down on the spot and crosses his legs, waiting for either one to speak. "Freddy," Jesse begins, trying to sound commanding but it's pretty clear Jesse doesn't wear the trousers in that relationship.

"_Jesse_," Freddy mimics and Rachel emits the tiniest laugh that earns her a quizzical look from Freddy.

"Hi, I'm Rachel Berry." She feels she should introduce herself to this member of Jesse's family, who she assumes is his brother (Jesse's never been one disclose much information, yet he demands to know everything about her.)

"I know who you are," Freddy tells her and Jesse shakes his head softly at the nostalgia of his words, a smirk that Freddy's clearly learnt to replicate emerging on Jesse's face. When Jesse remains in a stubborn silence, Freddy decides there's nothing else for it. "He wants to tell you he's sorry for what he did," Freddy informs Rachel with such sincerity, she wonders if Jesse was ever that seemingly angelic (she guesses not.) "Don't you, Jesse?"

"Freddy – " It's not that easy, Jesse and Rachel both know it.

"And he'd like to invite you to stay for dinner." It's clear Freddy's already developing Jesse's charisma and charm, and Rachel finds herself smiling in spite of the oddity of the situation.

"Jesse?" She feels she should at least ask him because it's his house and his parents and since he's never wanted to inform her of it in the past, she can't see why it'd be any different now.

"Do what you want," he replies curtly, stalking towards the house. Freddy sighs and smiles sadly at Rachel, beckoning her to follow. She hesitates but Freddy's seen what happens to people when they push everyone away and he's not going to let that happen to Jesse. So he slips his hand into Rachel's and she's a little overwhelmed at the speed at which this little boy has taken to her.

"Are you really related to Jesse?" She has to ask him, because he's nothing like his brother. Freddy giggles and swings their arms back and forth as they approach the house. Jesse's already upstairs but Freddy takes Rachel straight into the kitchen.

"Freddy, where the _hell_ have you been?" She quietens upon seeing Rachel who feels Freddy grip onto her hand a little tighter. He spies the present from Jesse and picks it up off the floor, handing to his mother. It's as much of a peace offering as Freddy can muster but it's still not enough (it's never enough.) "Where's your brother? We need words."

Freddy remains stoically silent, his hand a little sweaty inside Rachel's. He rolls his foot gently but stares back at his mother defiantly, knowing it's just a matter of time before she snaps (again.)

"Fine, don't speak to me." She sighs, rips the apron off her body and throws it to the floor. "Have fun doing your own dinner."

Rachel's a little in awe as the woman barges past the two of them, grabs her car keys and leaves but Freddy finally grins, lets go of Rachel's hand and opens the fridge. Jesse emerges in the doorway and Freddy chucks a grape from the fridge at his head.

"Thanks for nothing, Jess." He throws another grape and Jesse, stern as anything, marches towards Freddy, lifting him up high over his head.

"You can handle her," Jesse replies simply, sounding a little strained as he closes the fridge with his foot and walks around the kitchen with Freddy still lifted high.

"That's because I'm better than you," Freddy announces with a smirk and Jesse quickly lowers Freddy to the floor, Freddy squealing as the sensation addles with his stomach. Rachel watches on awkwardly, because she's never seen such a public display of affection from Jesse and she feels like she shouldn't be here, like she's not quite welcome. "Takeaway?" Freddy asks, handing Jesse the phone.

"Takeaway," Jesse confirms, because he really doesn't fancy cooking on his first night home. "Chinese okay with you?"

It takes Rachel a little while to realise he's talking to her. Freddy's standing on his tip toes to peer at Rachel over the table and she nods, blushing slightly as she bites her bottom lip. Jesse dials the number and walks out the room, leaving Freddy to take matters into his own hands.

"Come on," he tugs at Rachel's hand again, "You can help me."

And help Rachel does. They manage to set a candlelit dinner for three and though it feels beyond strange to be doing something so romantic for someone who treated her so badly, she has to hope that the little boy grinning up at her can help repair his brother. Because she's tried (and failed) but she's not ready to give up on him yet.

They sit around the table, Rachel opposite Jesse and Freddy on the side, flicking his head from boy to girl, girl to boy. The conversation is stilted to say the least so Freddy decides - in true St. James manner – to get things going.

"Jesse, if you were any quiet, you'd be a commute." Freddy grins smugly and Rachel conceals a soft chuckle in a mouthful of water.

"You mean a mute, Freddy." Jesse corrects him quickly without even looking up from his food.

"That's what I said," Freddy counteracts, folding his arms tightly across his chest with his brow furrowed. Rachel senses the tension and grabs a napkin to dab at her mouth.

"Look, this is my fault, I should go." And though she knows it's the best decision, half of her still wants Jesse to fight for her – to fight for _them_ – but he can't bring himself to do that. He's of the opinion he's had his chance and he blew it, but Rachel's not that type of girl to give up so easily (or have people give up on her that easily either.)

"Don't go," Freddy begins but Rachel just smiles sadly and climbs out her chair.

"Thanks for the dinner but my dads will be wondering where I am. It's getting late and their decision to have only one child, whilst being beneficial in countless ways, means they're a little too over protective." She's rambling because she's nervous – he makes her nervous – but if he notices, he doesn't react to it. Freddy's face falls as Rachel makes her way back towards the front door, trying to find her shoes in amongst the large collection residing in the porch.

"Go after her, Jess!" Rachel hears Freddy's voice from the other room and she waits, heart beating and ears burning, to see what will manifest.

"There's no point, Freds. Just drop it." He's stubborn and sharp but it doesn't diffuse Freddy: he's used to this by now.

"You _always_ do this," Freddy's close to tears and it breaks Rachel's heart to hear this little boy's voice breaking. "You push everyone away, all the time. It's not fair anymore!"

And then there's a smash from Freddy throwing his plate to the floor because he's finally cracked, he's finally had enough of being alone. He's always backed up his brother because Jesse's always been there for him but when Jesse's not around, Freddy's lonely because they've already pushed everyone else away. And Freddy knows that if Jesse feels as lonely as he does, then he's got to stop him pushing this girl away too. Rachel hovers, for once not knowing what to do for the best.

"It's just you and me, Freds." Jesse tells him quietly, crouching down to pick up the mess but Freddy's too angry and too upset to care.

"But it's not, is it Jesse? Because you're never here so it's not Freddy and Jesse, it's just Freddy and I hate it!" His little fists punch Jesse's torso but they make little impact and eventually Jesse grabs Freddy's shoulders and stills him, watching silent, angry tears cascade down his little brother's face. And then, as he looks over the top of Freddy's fallen head, he sees Rachel in the doorway.

"I thought he might want a tissue," she offers it to Jesse awkwardly and silence falls, only to be permeated by Freddy's quietening cries. She hears Jesse whisper something into Freddy's ear and the little boy nods solemnly, before leaving the kitchen and venturing slowly upstairs.

"Right, well, I was just go-"

"Rachel," Jesse feels pained even saying her name but his eyes tell her to stay, to hear him out. "I monumentally mucked up, I know I did. And not just with you, but with Freddy and Shelby and God knows who else."

It's his half-witted attempt at an apology and Rachel can see he's trying (but swallowing his pride is not something that comes easily to him.)

"You haven't mucked up with Freddy, Jesse; he stares at you like you're the best thing to ever grace the earth."

"A month ago you would have said the same," he can't help but wallow in his own self-pity because it's the only way he feels anything anymore. He catches her eyes and he's a little perturbed to see her smiling somewhat wistfully.

"That's because a month ago, you were." There's no point in lying anymore; it's just him and her, Rachel and Jesse, talking like they should have done days ago.

"And now?" He wants her to tell him he's awful, that he deserves to be alone.

"Now," she signals for Jesse to get to his feet, emitting the tiniest sigh Jesse thinks he's even heard a human produce. "You're sorry."

"I am?" He's a little bit taken aback because this wasn't what he expected her to say. She's making it sound so simple, brushing it all off as if all he did was spill a bit of water down her blouse. "I mean, I am sorry."

There's an extended silence and Jesse finally looks at Rachel, able to take her in. She's lost the animal sweaters and the gold star necklace, but the knee high socks remain as do the dimples in her cheeks. And that's when he realises she's smiling – _at him._ And then she's extending her hand, waiting for him to take it.

"Hi, I'm Rachel." And this is what she intends to do: use their past to cement their future. He takes her hand and shakes it softly, completely thrown off course by this indomitable brunette.

"He knows who you are," a little voice from the corridor creeps into the room and a tear-stained Freddy saunters in, grinning with his tongue poking in between missing teeth. "But if he doesn't, I'm available."

Jesse finally cracks a soft chuckle and lets go of Rachel's hand much later than he should have done (but Rachel was never going to complain – being near Jesse hurts but it's better to feel pain than to feel nothing.) Freddy's grin grows and he stumbles towards Jesse, cushioning his head in Jesse's thigh.

"It's true; you're the girl from New Directions, right?"

"The _lead, _I'll have you know."

"Oh really?" he plays along, much to the delight of Freddy (and Rachel.)

"Yes really, Mr –?"

"St. James. But you can call me Jesse."

"Well, it's nice to meet you Jesse," Rachel replies and somehow, it's as simple as that. All they needed was a fresh start, a new chance and a little bit of a push from the only person who Jesse listens to more than himself. And Freddy, proud of his efforts, bribes them both to watch the Fantastic Four before bed. And Rachel finds herself having lost a St. James to then have gained two back and somehow, that's all she needs right now.

**-StB-**

"I noticed you've stopped wearing your necklace," he comments, not sure why he's making it a topic of conversation, not when there's so much more they could – and should – be talking about.

"I think I lost my way a little bit; being a star isn't everything you know." It's a little painful to admit it, especially to him, but it's true. For a while back there, she found herself feeling more lost than ever before and suddenly being a star didn't mean as much when there was no one there to watch her shine.

"Who are you, and what did you do with Rachel Berry?" This earns Jesse a playful bat on the arm as Freddy, who's sprawled across both their laps, stirs a little. "Well I don't think you need it anyway."

"No?"

"No," Jesse confirms softly. "You're going to be star regardless of what you wear around your neck."

She can't help but let a smile drift onto her lips and Jesse swears it's the most beautiful sight to behold. Her eyebrow twitches just a touch, as if she's tempted to ask him why's staring and then thinks better of it. Freddy's head shifts on Jesse's thighs and Rachel is absently rubbing Freddy's legs slowly up and down as they lay sprawled over her lap. He snores ever so gently and Rachel can't help but marvel at the way both the St. James boys are known to sleep in a similar position.

"What?"This time he's the one asking why _she's_ staring because her smile's grown by an inch.

"Does Freddy sing?" It's not what she's thinking or what she was going to say, but the thought suddenly crops up as she hears the film draw to a dramatic climax. Jesse shifts somewhat awkwardly and it becomes clear that he doesn't actually know. The conversation lulls and little and after texting her fathers some lengthy – yet plausible – reason why she's not coming home for the night, Rachel finds herself drifting to sleep on the sofa. Jesse follows soon after marvelling for a minute at how things have panned out. And though he knows it can't last, he's going to try his damnedest to and make it.

**-StB-**

"Can't I come, Jess?" Freddy looks up with his pleading eyes and he knows it's just a matter of time before Jesse gives in. They're all a little stiff after a night on the sofa but Jesse's decided – with a fair bit of Rachel's input – to move back in with his uncle. "Please?"

Jesse looks to Rachel who shrugs her shoulders with a knowing smile on her face (he's going to say yes whatever anyone else says.) He grins back and ruffles Freddy's hair, giving him all the knowledge he needs. Minutes later Freddy's feet take him running up the stairs and he returns later with two bags packed of all he wants to take (a pillow, his bear, two t shirts, 3 pairs of socks, a tin of food and a retro cassette player.) Jesse doesn't protest and begins packing his car, leaving Freddy alone in the house. And just as things start to look up, their mother returns, drunk and dazed, marching her way into the house.

"What do you think you're doing?" She asks Jesse as she stumbles past him towards the front door.

"Leaving," Jesse replies curtly, not even acknowledging her present. Rachel hovers awkwardly, keeping her eyes on the floor but his mother blanks her anyway. "Not that you'd care."

"Where's Jerr – Freddy?"

"Coming with me." He doesn't give her more words than he needs to (she doesn't deserve them.) She merely scoffs and staggers into the house, knocking the umbrella stand as she goes. Freddy hears the commotion and runs to the front door, trying to run past his mother before she has a chance to stop him leaving with Jesse.

"No, I want to go with Jesse!" Freddy tries to squeeze his little body past his mother's but she slings a tight arm around his chest, holding him back as he strains to try and reach his brother. His eyes are streaming and his face reddening but still his mother maintains her grip. "Let me go! Let me go!" Freddy's sobbing and screaming but Jesse's show face refuses to slip. He avoids Freddy's face because he's feeling guilty enough already; instead he stares at his mother who looks simply back at Jesse.

"_This_ is what you do," she tells Jesse bitterly; like everything is his fault (it always is according to her.) Her words slur and her eyes struggle to remain in focus but on she battles, determined to have the last word. "You promise him the world and then you break his heart."

"No, that's your job," Jesse bites back and Rachel hovers quietly behind him, letting her fingers absently brush against his in an acknowledgement that she's there if he needs her. Freddy's still trying to free himself from their mother's tightening grip but she smiles this sickly smile that tells them both that resistance is futile. She's lost Jesse, she's not going to lose Freddy too (she can't.) "I'm going," Jesse resigns to the fact that he's not going to win, not this time and picks up his bags, dumping them outside beside his car. He comes back in and crouches beside Freddy, ignoring his mother completely. "I _will_ be back for you."

And then he takes Rachel's hand and leads her to his car, collecting the last of his bags and driving off. Freddy finally manages to wriggle free and starts to run down the drive after the car but Jesse's driven off to quickly to even notice. The little boy falls to his hands and knees and cries but his mother, now she knows she's got him, leaves him alone to drag to herself off to bed.

And he will be back for Freddy, because he promised. Just like he's promised Rachel that he's not going to break her heart again. He just can't, because breaking her heart broke his and he's not sure that if his broke again, he'd be able to fix it.


	10. Jesse slept with Santana

A/N: Hi, you probably don't remember me at all, but I'm baaaaack. Well, kind of but we'll get to that later. Anyway, you would not believe how hard I've been finding writing at the moment, particularly for St. Berry (probably because of the amount of Finchel being shoved down our throats right now.) But I've managed to actually finish a one-shot but I apologise now because it's a) awful and b) angsty. Oh, and there's one swear word near the end – thought I should just warn you now.

I've got about six one-shots all part-way through, I just can't seem to finish any one of them. But I'm trying hard to get another done because let's face it, the world is lacking in St. Berry love right now.

Though having said that, this piece is somewhat lacking on the loving. Still, I'm just happy to have actually finished a one-shot and I am trying so very hard to finish some more :)

What If Jesse Slept with Santana?

He sleeps with Santana because at the end of the day, everyone screws over everyone and it's not like Rachel would care anyway (he's wrong, she does.)

And Santana's just there (in her dress that Jesse is _sure_ is meant to be worn as a top) and she wants him (unlike Rachel) and they're both quick to clarify this means nothing. Well, not to them anyway. Santana, in her defence, sometimes needs someone close because, contrary to popular belief, it's actually hard to be _that_ bitchy all the time. Why? Because you start to believe that's all you can ever be and sometimes you need someone to love you to prove that you can be something more. And she knows Jesse doesn't love her (she's not sure Jesse can love anyone, except perhaps himself) but it's probably the closest thing she's going to get right now. So when she feels his hand on the small of her back, she's not about to push it away.

She might say otherwise, but there is a small part of her that feels guilty over what she's doing to Rachel, but Jesse's the one who should be feeling guilty, not her, and since he's showing no qualms, Santana decides not to either. She doesn't ask him about Rachel; doesn't tell him they shouldn't do this, because thinking and talking are not top of their list of priorities. And that's where Jesse will always slip: because he can never make someone (Rachel) his main priority. And that's naturally due to his family (or lack thereof) but that doesn't make it acceptable. And the fact that Rachel won't forgive him (not that he's asked her to) only serves to make Jesse give Rachel even more reasons to never do so. It's wholly illogical but Jesse's come to realise nothing makes sense without Rachel, so he's bound to live solely by his instincts (however lacking in logic they may be.)

She doesn't kiss like Rachel, she's not nervous like Rachel and Jesse supposes that's a good thing but he just can't help but compare them. He doesn't place gentle kisses on her neck, he doesn't run his fingers over her stomach and when he looks at her face, her eyes are open and expectant unlike Rachel, who'd always clamped her eyes shut the minute he try to go further than kissing.

It's over pretty quickly and as he lies beside her, this nagging feeling bites at his stomach and he thinks it's guilt but he's not quite sure if there's something else living beside it. But he pushes those thoughts away because this is what his life is going to be like from now on. They don't lie close and they don't talk about it, but the silence is oddly comforting and before long Santana falls into a lulling regularity of breathing and Jesse knows she's asleep. He follows soon after and neither one awakes when Quinn, Brittany and Kurt burst in on them, in the hope of finding Santana. They find her (and a whole lot more) and it appears that they do all have moral consciences because not one of them wants to tell Rachel. Kurt can't even begin to understand how the two of them ended up in Santana's bed (or how Brittany managed to find a key to Santana's house) but after waiting two hours for Santana to show at the movies, Quinn had become increasingly impatient and resolved to fetching Santana herself.

"We shouldn't tell her," Kurt affirms the next time they're all in rehearsal but Quinn's quick to fold her arms, tap her foot and look more disapproving than normal.

"And let that dirt bag get away with it? No way," Quinn's more concerned with making Jesse pay than saving Rachel's dignity (and feelings) but to her, they're one and the same. The endgame remains unchanged.

They resolve to tell Finn who can in turn tell Rachel and Finn being Finn takes pride in being the one to inform her of Jesse's most recent misdemeanours. He thinks (and hopes) that this will be the last push she needs to come running back into his arms but he's foolish to think that (he slept with Santana too, remember, only he's decided that that was different.)

"Rachel, can we talk?" She hovers, turns and stares, not uttering a word in reply. He takes her silence as approval and begins to talk. "Look, Quinn and Kurt found out some stuff and well, we thought you should know that Jesse – "

"I _know_, Finn." She cuts him off and he stumbles a little because this was not how the conversation was supposed to go. He was meant to tell her gently, hold her close as she cried into his shirt and she'd realise – in amongst all the mess – that he would always be there for her. But now as he looks, he can see her eyes are already red from crying. "Jesse slept with Santana."

"Wh – How did you - ?"

"How I found out is irrelevant. I'd just really appreciate it if it didn't go any further than Glee club." Finn's left open mouthed (and a little bit annoyed – Jesse's still managed ruin his heroic moment.) "I mean, I assume everyone else already knows?"

Finn's inability to formulate an answer tells her that yes, they already know. Rachel sighs, dabs at her eyes and takes a seat beside Mercedes, who takes a hold of Rachel's hand and gives it a soft squeeze. Santana sits beside Brittany and a warm rush is felt in her cheeks that she swears isn't guilt (it is.) Finn hovers in front of the rest of the club before avoiding Santana's gaze and finding his seat.

"You deserve better than him," Mercedes whispers as Mr. Schue turns up and starts handing out music. Rachel nods (and though she knows Mercedes is taking about Jesse, Rachel can't help but apply it to Finn too. In her eyes, they're both as bad as each other. If only she knew just how alike they were.)

Jesse finds out pretty fast (via a text from Santana) that Rachel knows. Panic turns to (self) pity but he eventually settles on ignorance. He's a screw up anyway; he's been told from the day he was born that that's all he'll ever amount to (until he meets Shelby, who tells him to fuck them all, only not in those terms.) So that's what he does, he looks out for himself and no one else, disregarding the consequences.

And when she rings him, he's this close not to answering but this way, it'll all be over quicker.

"I take it this is Rachel?" He doesn't question the fact she still knows his number. He also doesn't tell her he still has her number stored so he already knows for a fact that it's her.

"Why did you do it?" Not that he can tell but her eyes are closed and she's hoping for some half-hearted apology that consists of the word 'drunk.'

"Because I could," is instead what she hears and she didn't think it was possible, but her heart breaks a little bit more. It's cold and callous and his voice splinters hers ears and her eyes and she doesn't wasn't to hear anymore but she forces herself to listen, to ask more.

"I'm sorry I wasn't enough for you," she replies tearfully and she's so innocent, so broken that Jesse tells himself that he was right to do what he did. Because he's dangerous. He's deadly and he's hostile and he would have broken her (more than he already has done.) And this is the sacrifice he has to make. He has to choose between being Jesse and being Jesse St. James and somehow, the latter always comes out on top. He swallows and closes his eyes because he can't close his ears and he just needs to get her out of his head. So he ends the call and promptly throws the phone against the nearest wall, watching it shatter to the floor.

And as it does, he can't help but think of the irony; it's a metaphor for his heart breaking and Jesse can honestly say he's never hated metaphors (or himself) more because both remind him too much of Rachel.

And though he knows in time she'll get over it (get over him), it doesn't ease the pain (or the guilt) that he's feeling now.

Something tells him, nothing ever will.


	11. Jesse proposed to Rachel

A/N: Well. It's been an insanely long time since I posted anything on here. In fact, it's been an insanely long time since I've managed to finish anything I've started (writing wise anyway.) I know this is possibly (well, probably. If not certainly) ridiculously rubbish but I'm just happy to have written something. And for once, I don't think I want to know what people think!

So read and enjoy.

Jesse and Rachel got engaged?

When he asked her to be his girlfriend, he'd created a seven minute film of other couples from his campus before turning up on her doorstep to ask her in person. She'd accepted (but only after he'd worked his way through two musical soundtracks from beneath her bedroom window. She told him she only said yes to shut him up; Jesse still protests otherwise.)

And when he'd asked her to move in with him, he had left a signed picture of Wilson Jermaine Heredia by her breakfast bowl with some of his own words scrawled on the back.

_Live in my house? _

His tactical selection of lyrics had brought a dizzy smile to her face yet it wasn't until he returned home from his morning jog that she dared to believe it was true. He'd handed her a key and she'd given him a kiss in return.

"Only nine hundred and ninety nine left to go, Berry. You'd better get started," Jesse had grinned, taking her hand and leading her to his – no, _their_ – bedroom.

So he knew, by default, that his proposal would have to be something incredibly special. And if he was going to get her to say yes, then it would mean pulling out all the stops.

Firstly, the ring.

He had ideas, naturally, but he'd need something seriously special to match up to Rachel Berry expectations. So that's where Shelby comes in.

"Jesse, well this is a nice surprise," Shelby grins, balancing a nappy-clad baby on one hip, holding a fluffy towel in the hand. "Albeit an ill-timed one. Come on, you can help me bath Oscar."

"Oh, er," Jesse scratches the back of his neck and Shelby's mischievous glint from years back is still very much evident.

"Come on St. James, you're going to have to learn to do this _one_ day. One day soon if what I've heard on the grapevine is true." Oscar squirms on Shelby's hip but it's clear in an instant that Shelby treats her children exactly the same as the Vocal Adrenaline members all those years ago. She waits for him to confirm the rumours that she's heard but he just stares at her dumbly.

"That's not Beth," it suddenly dawns on him and upon hearing Beth's name, Oscar grins and crows with delight.

"No, it's not." Shelby grins, hoisting Oscar up a little, dropping the towel as she does, which Jesse naturally picks up. "And nice tactical diversion Jesse, but it needs work. So spill."

"There's nothing to spill," Jesse replies, inadvertently lifting his hands in mock surrender.

"Jesse, I'm practically your mother – "

"Shelby, why would you say that when I'm dating your daughter?" Even saying the words leaves a bitter, unwanted taste in Jesse's mouth.

"So just tell me," she carries on regardless, a playful smirk tugging at her lips. "Because you know I'll get it out of you one way or another." She beckons him upstairs where he hears a succession of loud crashes from a nearby room. "_That's_ Beth," she signals to the room beside the bathroom before taking Oscar inside and starts running the bath. "Get yourself in here, Jesse."

Jesse reluctantly kneels down beside the bathtub and yanks his sleeves as far up his arms as he can. Shelby lowers a wriggling Oscar into the water and his first reaction is to wave every one of his limbs around as crazily as he can.

"He's a character," Shelby smiles, but Jesse can't help but feel it's a little weak as an apology for his entire outfit being drenched. Shelby becomes a little engrossed in washing the baby and Jesse finds himself suffering from Rachel Berry-esque word vomit.

"I'm going to ask Rachel to marry me." It sounds more like one long word than eight separate ones and Shelby just stares at him, lips pursed and eyes sparkling.

"I was wondering when we'd have this conversation," Shelby announces and she can't hide her glee. She's got the biggest show face of them all and when she's happy, _everyone_ knows. "Just tell me she's not already pregnant."

"Shelby!" Jesse protests but Shelby merely grins, pouring small cups of water over Oscar's head.

"What? Come on, I know what you kids are like," she continues, enjoying watching Jesse squirm.

"I need help with the ring, Shelby not – "

"Contraception? Well, thank God for that." Jesse just stares at Shelby with what he hopes is a fairly condescending look (it isn't.) "So, details."

"Details?"

"Yes Jesse, the little intricate details you know Rachel's going to need." Shelby smirks as Jesse's head falls into his hands, only he misses his hands and head butts the edge of the bath (much to Oscar's amusement.) "Look, you deal with Oscar, I'll go and see what I can do."

Jesse agrees (reluctantly) to stay in the bathroom, trying to keep Oscar upright and nurse his bruised head simultaneously. He decides, after seven long minutes, that Oscar's clean enough and hoists him out of the baby, searching for a towel as the baby squirms in his hands. Jesse sits on the side of the bath, Oscar on his lap and as Shelby re-emerges, she has this odd smile on her face as she cocks her head to the side. She's not going to tell him this, but fatherhood will definitely suit Jesse.

"Shall we swap?" Shelby grins, handing Jesse a small box as he hands Oscar over. Somewhere in the background Jesse can hear Bohemian Rhapsody playing and a nostalgic smile dawns on his face. "Beth's trying to learn your choreography," Shelby informs him with a wistful smile as she beckons him into her bedroom. Jesse feels slightly awkward standing in his former coach's bedroom (and it gets weirder when he sees a picture of Shelby and Rachel; he's effectively standing in his girlfriend's mother's bedroom.) Shaking such thoughts out, he examines the box in his hand and Shelby rolls her eyes. "You're supposed to open it, Jesse."

And as he does, he sees the more delicate ring he's ever seen and he knows in an instant that it's _Rachel_. It's small and quaint and simply beautiful; everything Rachel is and more.

"It was my mother's," Shelby explains as she lies Oscar down in the middle of her bed, searching for a (perfectly colour coordinated) outfit as Jesse extracts the ring and places it in his palm. It's perfect.

"I can't take this, Shelby." It's _too_ perfect.

"Jesse," she sighs, sitting back on her heels as she kneels on the floor. "I missed out on giving Rachel everything she deserves; let me give her this."

Jesse studies the ring again and he knows he's never going to find another ring to match up to this one. He gets a tingle in his stomach as he thinks about slipping this on to Rachel's finger and it scares him how much he wants to get this right.

Oscar ruins the terribly poignant moment with a loud squeal (he's feeling cold, Jesse decides, seeing as Shelby's taking far too long to pick an outfit) and Shelby eventually decides on a blue and white ensemble as Jesse pockets the ring and thanks Shelby (for everything, not just the ring.)

"You are more than welcome," she smiles warmly back. "Just make sure I'm the guest of honour on the big day," she adds with a wink but Jesse's already got plans for Shelby, he's just not going to tell her what they are right now. So he assures her that he'll do just that and quickly heads home, happy to tick the ring off of his list of things to do.

But then there was the actual proposal. Because even having the perfect ring didn't mean he'd have a perfect proposal by default. This was something that was going to involve extrinsic planning and perfecting, particularly after his ideas were continually falling short of his standards.

Firstly, he'd considered a simple candlelit dinner in their own home, but after seeing such a proposal occur on Gossip Girl (which Rachel quickly voiced her disgust over) he'd quickly ruled idea number one out.

Idea number two came in the form of surprising her one evening before one of her performances. (She was the lead in Funny Girl; he was down to the last five to play Roger in Rent.) But this too was quickly dropped – Rachel disliked surprises at the best of times. One before an important performance (for they were all important to Rachel) would not have gone down well.

So Jesse took to carrying the ring around with him wherever he went, hoping that the perfect moment would just spring up on him. And spring upon him it did. He'd finally been given the role of Roger and Rachel had insisted they see a Broadway show to celebrate. Jesse had decided not to point out that it was less of a celebration when Rachel was clearly wanting to see this particular show for one simple reason. One simple reason being she'd turned down the lead role and wanted to see who they'd found to replace her. (It was a young, blonde 22 year old who did a good enough job but Jesse could tell from the smug look on Rachel's face that she knew she'd have done a better job.)

" – and she was a little bit off-key in 'Whispering' and the guy playing Melchior really needs to work on his breathing; it was questionable at the best of times and not to mention – "

"Will you marry me?" It comes out before Jesse even finds the ring in his pocket or gets down on one knee. Rachel, of course, hasn't heard – she's too busy staring at the Spring Awakening poster that's caught her eye.

" – the way he _ruined_ 'Left Behind.' But I've seen him before and he's usually spot on – he does an enviable rendition of – " Rachel quickly realises Jesse's not inputting anything to this conversation (read: tirade) of hers. "Did you say something, Jesse?"

"Rachel Berry, will you marry me?" Rachel's still got her back to Jesse, staring at the poster as if the two figures on it are going to tell her what to do. He grins because he's never rendered her speechless before and he takes a moment to bask in his glory before remembering that he'd actually quite like her to say yes. "It might help if you turned around, Rachel."

She turns slowly on the spot, not daring to look at him, to believe it to true. He takes advantage of the moment and before she's opened her eyes, his lips have met hers and as the kiss deepens and deepens, he extracts the ring and slips it on her finger. And it feels so right to have a ring there – Jesse's ring there – she doesn't even notice until she moves her left hand to the back of his neck and a curl of his hair gets caught in the ring. She gasps, accidentally sucking his bottom lip before releasing his mouth altogether to stare at her left hand. Her mouth quickly shuts and her eyes narrow and Jesse involuntarily swallows – maybe Spring Awakening wasn't his proposal idea springing up on him.

"Jesse, I haven't said yes yet – I can't wear the ring until I say yes, it's like the worst way to start a marriage." She looks so distraught, Jesse quickly slides the ring off and watches as she smoothes down her dress and re-fluffs her hair. "Now ask me again."

"Rachel –" Jesse feels stupid asking her for a _third_ time.

"_Ask_ me," she demands and he gives in (he always will.)

"Rachel, will you do me the _greatest_ honour of becoming my wife?" And he looks so boy-like, so innocent that Rachel doesn't think it's possible to ever love this man more than she does now.

"I will," she grins, launching her pint-sized self into Jesse's arms as he holds her tighter than he thought possible. "I really will," she breathes, more to herself than to Jesse as she nestles her face in the crook of his neck (and she knows she's made the right decision because she's never felt more at home than when she's in his arms.)


	12. Jesse died

_A/N: I don't actually know where this came from and I know it's stupidly short (sorry.) I'd like to say the shortness was in fact created on purpose – some philosophical representation that life itself is short. But truth is, I'm not that clever._

_So just read and enjoy._

What if Jesse died?

It's the voicemail that first makes her crack. She only rings his phone because she has exhausted every other way of trying to reach him (but she knows it's futile because she never will.) His voice sounds so normal, so fluid and it's not fair in contrast to her cracked, broken one.

_Hi, this is Jesse, leave me a message and if I like you enough, I'll get back to you._

She had told him countless times to change it but he'd never listened. _'It expresses my inner-miva whilst simultaneously separating my friends from my enemies. It's a necessity, Rachel.' _He'd ignored her claims that it might offend a few good-natured people but Jesse had merely laughed and shrugged, claiming that was their problem.

_Hi, this is Jesse, leave me a message and if I like you enough, I'll get back to you._

She listens to it again because she misses him more than she thought possible and this time she presses the phone even closer to her ear, trying to imagine it's his hand running through her hair instead of her own, cold one. She'd complained once that he hadn't got back to her and she, in her overtly dramatic way, had worried for hours that he didn't like her enough. And Jesse, being _his_ dramatic self, had played on it to the full (by not calling her back all day) until she'd turned up on his doorstep that evening, eyes red and fingers wringing and it took all his effort not to laugh because she'd genuinely taken this to heart. He didn't even let her in the house before his lips reached hers and he was telling her he loves her in the only way he knows how.

And now, she drops her hand from her hair and moves it to her lips because it's been such a long time since his lips have warmed hers and she wonders if anyone else will ever warm them again.

_Hi, this is Jesse, leave me a message and if I like you enough, I'll get back to you._

Before she knows it, she's dialled it again and she mouths the words as she hears them, willing him to say something different, to let her know he's there.

_Hi, this is Jesse – _

Stop. Redial.

_Hi, this is Jesse – _

Stop. Redial (again.)

_Hi, this is Jesse, leave me a message and if I like you enough, I'll get back to you._

'Hi Jesse,' this time she leaves a message because she needs to talk to someone and it always used to be him. 'It's Rachel.'

It's like she's waiting for him to pick up, waiting for him to answer her, tell her it's been too long, that she should ring him more often. But no one picks up, no one answers. It's always too long these days. It always will be too long.

"I miss you," she begins but it's too hard and her voice is already breaking. "I need you." Her breathing quickens and her eyes close and the tears burn through her skin, lighting flamed paths down her cheeks. "Come back to me, Jesse. Please?"

But he won't come back to her. No matter how much she pleads, how much she begs. He won't.

He won't because he can't.


	13. Jesse visited Rachel

_A/N: Blah, still can't find my teeth so apologies for OOC-ness. I don't know why I'm finding writing so hard right now. What I do know is that it sucks. Majorly. _

_Anyway, this takes place in 2x01 (now it's FINALLY come to the UK) so __**spoilers**__ for that if you haven't yet seen it. I've kind of left it so you can come to your own conclusion over what's gone on, but I hope you can still read and enjoy._

What if Jesse visited Rachel?

He sees her delicately dabbing at her cheeks, wiping away tears that never seem to stop. His less Jesse and more romantic side wants to take her in his arms and rock her dry of tears. He won't do that. Instead, he saunters over, stuffing a tissue into her hands. She looks up at her saviour, hoping it's her knight in shining armour. He's shiny alright (that smooth leather jacket is somewhat timeless) but the knight part? Rachel can't help but laugh at the irony.

"Is this fate trying to tell me you are all I deserve?" Her words should cut like ice but she can hardly get the words out for tears and anyway, he expected much worse.

"It could have been worse," he comments and Rachel's sobs stop for a second; he's right. She dares to look at his eyes for the first time and he just looks back, giving nothing away. She's not sure now if he's talking about her comment or the situation she's managed to get herself into.

"Why are you here?" She asks, now glad of the tissue. She wipes her face gently. He doesn't tell her she's missed a spot. He wants to wipe it away for her, softly brushing her cheek with his thumb. He doesn't do that either.

"Because you need someone." He's being so very cryptic and yet so casual, and it should make her on edge but it doesn't because yet again he's right. She does need someone and maybe, just maybe, that someone is him. A few moments pass, relatively silent apart from the odd sniffle from Rachel. And then she speaks again, looking out over the rows and rows of seats in front of her. One day they'll be full, she knows it and he knows it.

"How long are you here for?"

"As long as I'm needed," comes his reply and she doesn't know if that means as long as she needs him (because right now, it feels like she'll need him forever.) She sighs, her heart feeling heavier than ever and watches him as he stands beside her. She shuffles along, hinting that he can sit if he likes. Either he doesn't get the hint or doesn't like the idea of sitting because he remains standing, not even edging closer to Rachel.

"I messed up, didn't I?" She asks, more to herself than to Jesse. But he just gives her a look, a look that says _look-what-i-did-with-us _and a _that's-called-mucking-up _look. Both remind her that what she did wasn't the end of the world. But it may well be the end of glee club. "They have Sunshine now," she adds and he wonders if it's intentional that she says 'they' in place of 'you.' Whether she's now accepted he no longer holds allegiance to Vocal Adrenaline (only to her.) Whether she's finally accepted his apology.

"They still won't win." His tone is definite, factual, like a conclusion. Her eyes light up with hope but it's quickly distinguished. She knows this is partly his arrogance slipping through, because without him Vocal Adrenaline really isn't as strong. But it's a backhanded compliment too, one she can't fully accept.

"But she's good, Jesse, you didn't hear her sing." He's never really heard her say anyone's good before, only when she used to talk about Finn. Even then she was lying.

"I've heard _you_ sing," he shrugs, refusing to elaborate. She nods, sadly, scrunching the tissue up absently in her hand. True, she's better than Sunshine. True, she was the glue holding Glee Club together. But she's learnt something.

"Talent isn't everything." And it's from this he can tell that she's learning, she's growing and he's glad. Because that means there's hope for her yet and if there's hope for her, then there's (possibly, just possibly) hope for them too.

"That's a matter of opinion," he informs her finally sitting down beside her. Two pairs of legs hang of the edge of the stage, hers swinging back and forth gently, his resting with ease. He finally wipes the smudge of mascara from her cheek and she smiles because he's not afraid to touch her, not repulsed by her actions. And she knows it's kind of twisted because in a way, they're now two of a kind and maybe that means he'll be the only one who will understand why she does what she does (because he does it too.)

"This isn't real, is it?" She smiles sadly, staring at him as his hand finally leaves her face. He concentrates all his energy onto her but doesn't smile back.

"It's as real as you want it to be, Rachel." She's about to reply when someone comes crashing into the auditorium. Rachel jumps to her feet and brushes down her dress anxiously. She's tough, she doesn't like to cry so being found looking weak and in tears is not going to happen. Then her stomach stabs and she remembers Jesse. She swallows hard and hopes it's not Finn who's come to find her (it is.) She quickly looks to Jesse for advice, for what to say as Finn begins to advance down the stairs but Jesse's gone and the stage is empty and a feeling of sadness overwhelms her.

She must have been right, it wasn't real. It can't have been. But she whispers her thanks to the empty seat beside her and the empty seats in front of her, letting Finn embrace her as he makes his way onto the stage.

"Come on," he pulls her hand, "Rehearsal's about to start."

-StB-

Later that night, she texts Jesse. She's kept his number and hopes he's kept hers (but he probably hasn't she tells herself so she's not disheartened if – or rather when – he doesn't reply.)

_Thank you._

She's still not entirely sure if what happened was a dream, a fantasy, a wish even, but this is one way to find out.

_What for?_

His reply does nothing to confirm her thoughts (or her worries.) She can't decide if she wants it to have been real.

If it was real, he has a point. All he did was tell her what she already knew – it could have been worse, she did need someone and most of all, she's talented. She _is_ going to make it.

If it wasn't real, then he's simply telling the truth and really doesn't know why she's thanking him. Before she manages to construct a fitting reply, she's asleep and she doesn't awake until the next morning. She instantly grabs her phone the minute she's able to make coherent thoughts and sees she already has a message.

It's from Jesse.

_Well, you're welcome Rachel._

And it's at that point that she realises it doesn't matter if it was real or not because like Jesse told, or didn't tell, her: it's as real as she wants it to be and now it's been decided.

She's going to make it real.


End file.
